My buddy, Simon, posted an ad in the free section on craigslist that went, “Giving away my entire Playboy Magazine collection, (every issue, 1978-present).  Getting married and my fiance’s not cool with me having them.  She says it’s kind of a dealbreaker.  Gonna be with my girl tonight so please text me, no phone calls”  At the end of the ad he put his friend’s name and phone number.

He then went and played poker with that same friend and giggled the night away as his buddy received 25 texts within an hour with messages like, “That sucks, man, getting married’s tough.  I’ll take your porn”.

Among other things, a good prank can be a classy way to throw someone off their poker game.

The great thing about really getting into a European sport is that, if you really want to, you’ll never miss a game.  The time difference allows you to get up at 4:30 am to watch the end of that Cycling race or to take in that Cricket tie.

You hear ridiculous expressions from play by play commentators like “That chap is a dibbly dobbler“, or “They’re at sixes and sevens at the back!”

Perhaps the single greatest benefit of really getting into a European sport is that it now allows you to wear colourful football scarves indoors and memorize fan chants like Dirty Northern Bastards and Posh Spice is a Slapper.

Kids are awesome because they’re so emotional and they get so into things.  They haven’t developed that cold, rational detachment that allows us adults to wander around, numbly unaffected.  As such, it is our duty to give these kids a thrilling emotional ride whilst they’re still young enough to enjoy it.

Next time you go to the track, bring your little niece or nephew with you.  Ask them which horse they like the most and the go up and place a little $2 bet for them.  Watch with delight as they scream and cry, willing their horse to finish first.  Then, when the it does win, bask in that child’s grateful gaze as you hand them their winnings (minus your broker’s fee, of course).

In a kid’s world, $25 buys a lot of slurpees.

The problem with pool, as with most games of skill, is that it takes years to master.  Who’s got that kind of time?  Fortunately, all you really need to do is to perfect one single skill.  All you need is a mighty break!

The thunderous CRACK of the cue ball will draw the attention of the entire bar.   The balls madly dispersing around the table top, like scattering cockroaches on a kitchen floor when the light goes on, will mesmerize the onlookers.  The dull thud of ball after ball falling into pocket after pocket and the eruption of applause that will inevitably follow all serve to make the break the single most important shot of the game.

It’s all about intimidation.  It doesn’t really matter how you play after this moment.  Once you’ve gotten into your opponent’s head with the ball explosion of a mighty break, you’ve already won.  You are now the Great White, and you smell blood in the water.

Be it Bocce Ball, Lawn Darts or Croquet, you need to be able to hold your own.  Better yet, you need to dominate.

The truth is, nobody at the party is going to be particularly good at any of these games.  At most, you get one or two chances to play them each summer.  Your competition will be weak, effectively opening the door for a memorable display of grace, style and cold-hearted efficiency.

Your form with each one of these games is just as important as your superiority.  Your balletic, swanlike throws shall be the talk of the backyard, forcing all guests to finish their Pimm’s, put down their cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and golf clap with the elegance and flourish of a Jane Austen novel.

When any two  high-school teams square off, the only thing running through each players mind is how many dunkers the opposing team has.  My team had 2; myself and another guy (although I could only do it in warmup.  By the time the game started, my legs were too tired.  Warmup, however, is the most important “intimidation time” because it’s when the other team is watching).

Remember as a kid when you played on your first lowered 7′ hoop?  The moment you took off, feeling for an instant that you could fly, hanging in the air longer then humanly possibly and then throwing down so hard that you couldn’t help but let out a primal scream!  The artistry of Picasso combined with the ferocity of an injured grizzly bear.

P.S.  For your enjoyment, here are a couple or sweet jams:

This next one is, quite possibly, the greatest “in-game” of all time, complete with French commentary:

This last one just rules:

Discovering tracks, following a trail, killing and cleaning an animal.  These are all things that come naturally to your grandfather.  While you’re out in the bush, he will regale you with tales of times gone by, each one poignantly finishing with the perfect moral.  You can’t learn this stuff in school.

You don’t necessarily have to go hunting for deer or quail, however.  Simply accompanying him to the hardware store as he hunts for the perfect tool to finish the project he’s working on will be an education.

Note how he surveys his environment using instincts forged over years of experiences, having witnessed firsthand the most rapid and monumental era of change the world has ever known.

See how, at first, he mistrusts the sales staff, but then warms to them as he realizes they share a similar obsession for fine craftsmanship and sturdy instruments.

And, as he walks up to the register, feel that sense of empowerment and pride as he pays with money that he may well have earned 30 years ago.

When you go hunting with your grandfather, you’re not so much seeking as you are conquering!

In two years you will be getting the Olympics.  If you choose to embrace them, you have no idea how sweet they are going to be!

During the games, you will feel like you are hemorrhaging money.  You will be shocked at how much you spend but you won’t care because you will feel like you’re on vacation in your own city.  Not just “you”, but everyone, on the same vacation, in the same place, and you’re all best friends.

Every night you will have 20 different places to go and you’ll have friends at all of them.  You’ll feel like you need to seize each moment, see everything, do everything, be everywhere.  It’s exhausting.  You won’t sleep.  You’ll love it.

Vancouver prides itself on being a multi-cultural and diverse city (sound familiar?) but sometimes, that hurts it.  There are so many different groups of people that have little in common with one another and often that keeps them distant and separate.  For 2 weeks, all of that suddenly changed.  Everyone felt as if they were of the same tribe.  We all felt as one.  I cannot count how many sincere hugs and high-5′s I have exchanged with complete strangers.  Every human being should feel what that’s like.  It’s empowering.  People will talk about an “Olympic Legacy”, something that remains with the city after the games are gone.  It’s not a speed-skating oval or a new rapid transit line.  It’s the incredible sense of unity that a populace feels when they know that they are all a part of something genuinely great, together.

You will witness moments of greatness that will go down in national history.  I ran into a guy outside the stadium yesterday who had just bought a single scalped ticket to the game for $1800.  He said he had put aside two thousand since the summer with the intention of spending it on this one gold-medal hockey game.  Considering the outcome, he got the bargain of the century.

You will witness moments of ridiculousness: The mayor of Vancouver came onstage just before the free Damien Marley concert and proclaimed February 24th “Canadian National Snowboarding Day”.  What!!??  That’s Olympic fever for you.

You will witness moments of cool gone wrong: My brother got busted for ginching a micky and kicked out of the free Girltalk concert 2 days later.

You will find yourself caring about obscure sports like the Skeleton or the Biathelon and discussing the finer strategy of these events with your friends.

You will fall in love with the athletes because they are real people.  They are not prima-donna millionaires who play for massive sports clubs (for the most part), they are regular folk, many of whom have regular jobs, who have trained for years doing some little-known solo sport and are sincerely trying their absolute best to make their country proud.  You will relate to these people.  You’ll feel their pain and their joy.  It’s catharsis.

Foreign medias may criticize your Olympics, saying the venues are poorly prepared, infrastructure is ill-organized, the competitions lack drama or style.  What they fail to realize is that the Olympics are not about sports.  They are about spilling out into the streets and cheering as one, feeling something as one.  The sports themselves are just an excuse to cheer.  They are merely a vehicle to unite the masses into one common and singular passion.  You cannot possibly realize that unless you step out onto the streets and feel it for yourself.

People will denounce your Olympics by telling you that $6 billion dollars (estimate of what ours cost) for a 2 week long party isn’t worth it…..but…..what if it is?   My city has never felt better.

Sincerely,

You see, we are a culture that likes to get behind the underdog.  We love stories of the downtrodden succeeding against all odds, overcoming scandals, finding redemption and generally rising from the ashes.

So, whether you’re the Boston Redsox, the World Economy, or a single guy trying to” pick up” at the bar, there’s nothing that feels quite as good or carries quite as much relief as breaking out of a long slump.

OLYMPIC HOCKEY SIDE NOTE:

The Canadian Men’s team squeaked by the Swiss in a shootout and then lost to the Americans on Sunday night.  This constitutes a major slump.  C’mon Canada, get back in there!  Rub some ice on it and walk it off!

In every great sports story the good guys have to spend a little time with their backs against the wall. We really wouldn’t want this to play out any other way.  Breaking this slump is going to be an awesome task, but when they do, it’s going to be all the sweeter.  There’s a whole lotta’cool on the line and all the Canadian team needs to do now is simply reach out and grab it!  It was always theirs in the first place.

There are plenty of reasons to be anti-Olympics and some of them are very convincing, but here’s why the Olympics are sweet:  It brings out legitimate national pride.

Last week I saw this guy on the subway fully decked out in Russia gear: hat, jacket, track pants and shoes!  He wasn’t an athlete or media.  He was just some dude from Russia who’s come here to represent.  There are people like this guy all over the city basically wearing their country’s flag as clothing.  Patriotism, when applied to sports, is awesome.

And that’s the beautiful thing about the Olympics.  There’s no confusion about who you’re cheering for, no stupid jumping on the NY Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/Manchester United bandwagon.  Your team is where you were born.  It’s whoever your passport tells you to cheer for.  You are your team and if your team loses, you lose, but if they win…….national holiday!

P.S. I have tickets to see the Canada vs. Switzerland hockey game.  I will be wearing a full body Canada tracksuit, a Rick Nash jersey, Canada mittens and some weird hat with horns.  I haven’t decided if I should paint my face yet or just get a maple leaf tattooed on my forehead.

Look, I love Switzerland but, for 2 hours on Feb 18th, they’re going to be nothing more to me then a bunch of chocolate loving, watch fixing, bank account managing pansies.  I can barely type because my hands are trembling in excitementttttttttt!!!!!!!!