How You Can Be Cool

Speed, control, action, power.  These are the words that float through your friend’s mind as he watches you slip your driving gloves over your hands and slide behind the wheel of your car.  You may only be going down the road to pick up some sandwiches, but clearly you mean business.

Made famous by Formula 1 racers and Action Movie Stars, driving gloves are the ultimate automobile accessory.   With their sleek yet sturdy design, they are as cool as they are functional.  The trick is to always wear them when you drive and to never address the fact that you are wearing them.  Putting them on should become as habitual as checking your mirrors.

So whether you’re Steve McQueen, Speed Racer or Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club, driving gloves give you a whole different kind of cool.  Much like sunglasses, headbands and wallet chains, you don’t actually need to wear them, but you look more badass when you do.

Scars are awesome because they give you crazy amounts of character.  They’re not necessarily pretty, but since when has being beautiful ever had anything to do with being cool?

Every scar is shrouded in mystery.  When we see one, our minds beg to know, “how did that happen”?  The answer could be hilarious, tragic, or anything in between, but only the bearer of the scar knows the truth.

I have a scar on my shoulder from a motor boat propeller that I got while snorkeling in Thailand.  It’s one of the most hardcore stories I have and whenever someone notices my scar, I get to tell it.

It is a completely unique way of physically remembering a significant moment in your life.   It perfectly decorates your skin and no two are exactly alike.  The scar has truly earned the title of nature’s tattoo.

Hook them to the front of your shirt, slide them onto your forehead, leave them in your car.  Wearing your sunglasses behind your head makes you look like a tool.  If they slip off are you planning to catch them behind your back like some kind of juggler?

It’s almost as bad as wearing your bluetooth headset everywhere you go.  The two marks of the douche-bag.

Thesis Statement:  Costumes should be both CREATIVE and RECOGNIZABLE.

There’s a lot of pressure each year in trying to come up with the right Halloween costume.  It’s usually last minute, you’d prefer not to have to buy anything, and it has to be awesome.  At the very least you have to out-do what you did the year before.

Last Halloween, I crushed it.  My Sudoku costume took about an hour to make, cost $5 in materials and literally “took names” as it “kicked ass”.  As people did the puzzle throughout the evening they left their signature giving me a hilarious signed postcard of the night.

Two Halloweens ago, I failed.  My buddy went as Ali G and I went as a Red Herring.  That’s right, I went as a “literary device used in mystery stories to fool the reader and build suspense”.  Throughout the night his costume was easily understood and made people happy.  My costume did the exact opposite.

Conclusion:  Trying to be too clever is selfish.  If people are forced to think when they are binge drinking they will resent you.  Costumes should be graded on how easily they open up conversations with strangers.  That is their function.  Let them do their job.  It makes partying with weirdos in masks way easier.

Every man wishes they had a novelty moustache, if only for a brief moment.  They are hilarious and cool.

The problem is, for a variety of reasons, not every man is allowed to wear one.  Maybe they work in a conservative accounting firm.  Maybe their girlfriend thinks it’s gross.  The point is, their upper lip is incarcerated and they look upon a man of moustached freedom with envy and admiration.

If you are a free man, you owe it to your victimized brothers to rock your moustache boldly and allow them to taste freedom vicariously through your whiskers.

Remember: you are doing your fellow man a service.  You are a hero.  Grab hold of those handlebars and hang on, it’s one hell of a good ride.

It’s hard, I know.  It’s Friday night, you’re gettin your drink on, the DJ’s droppin the filthy darkcore.  The world’s just melting away.  You’re feeling sooo good, sooo free.  You just need to cool down a tick so you slip your shirt off.

Hold up a second, Bruce Banner.

Nobody wants this.  No shoes, no shirt, no service.  Convenience store rules still apply.   What are you, a werewolf?

It comes down to this:  We don’t want you to get your sweat on us.  It’s as simple as that.

C’mon, 50 Cent, put your kevlar back on.

The problem with wearing jeans in the snow is that  if they get wet, they will become soggy and heavy and cold.

There are two types of skiers in the world:  those who fall and those who cruise.  By wearing your jeans when you ski you are effectively declaring to the mountain that you are a skier who cruises.

Skiing in jeans is one of those few times when it’s also cool to have a cigarette dangling out of your mouth.

When you put any athlete’s  jersey on, you are associating yourself with everything that particular athlete has done or stood for.  It’s vital to choose the right one.

First of all:  If you rock a Kobe Bryant, Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi jersey it means you know nothing about the sport and are simply wearing what is popular.  The opposite of cool.

If you’re German, wear the  Dirk Nowitzki, Deutchland #12.  If you’re a bit of a hot-head, wear the Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers #91.  If you think rules are meant to be broken, wear a Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants #25.

 (Above Photo:   Namath #12 NY Jets jersey:  Joe Namath was famous for two great quotes.  1. He guaranteed victory in Super Bowl III, and 2. He drunkenly said “I want to kiss you” to a woman interviewing him during a live game telecast.  Confident and loose with women.  By wearing Namath’s jersey, the guy in this photo is saying he possess both of those qualities.  He probably does.)

Sweating Bullets (aka. Tropical Heat) was a sweet Canadian tv series from the early 90’s (very popular in Serbia, apparently).  This dude, Nick Slaughter, always wore his shirts unbuttoned, open,  flowin’ and free.  The quintessential tropical cool.

It doesn’t matter what body type you have, nothing says “It’s my Saturday too” like giving your shirt the ole neck to navel highway.

It’s time.

The point where  trend becomes  fad is the exact point where cool becomes mainstream.  It’s the “%5 of the Population Ratio“.  We are getting dangerously close to that threshold.

Sorry Hip-Hop stars.  You’re  victims of your own coolness.

(note: Keep one sticker-clad hat in your closet for that “old-school” look.)

Clipper designs are cool, but they’ve gotten too complex.  Not to worry.  The lightning bolt is simple, bold, and effective.  

Harry Potter for your hair.

 A favorite of soccer players and sprinters alike, the  bolt just makes you go faster.

If the Gods of Olympus walk among us, you’ll probably be able to  tell who they are because they’ll have a lightning bolt shorn into their heads.

You don’t have to be a  golfer on the Senior Tour or a cocaine baron to enjoy the cool of a Panama Hat.  Similar in style to the uber-trendy fedora, the panama hat isn’t nearly as overplayed and is considerably more practical.  Imagine yourself exploring Mayan ruins or taking in a cricket match while your hat’s ample brim protects your neck and ears from pesky sunburns.

It is the perfect complement to a billowing white linen shirt and a gin and tonic.  It’ll even make your Spanish sound more authentic.

This is really more of a don’t then a do, but, what happens in Cancun should stay in Cancun.  You’re not on the playa anymore.  After you’ve been home for a week your tequila inspired hairstyle looks more like a headful of earthworms and bungee cords.