144. Give a Stranger Flowers
Posted in statements on March 21, 2011 by Allen
Everybody should try this at least once in their life, it’s pretty awesome. This is how it should play out:
You buy a bouquet of flowers and just walk down the street with them. At some point, inevitably, an older lady is going to jokingly say, “Oh, are those for me?” You immediately respond with, “Oh, yeah, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. Here you go.” You hand them the flowers and you walk away. To that lady, you are now the coolest person in the world.
The best time of year to do this is around Valentine’s day because it’s a bit more sentimental for everyone. Be careful, though. This is when florists jack up the price of roses.
Sometimes, it’s Cool to Cheat
Posted in sweet videos on March 13, 2011 by AllenYour move, UFC. What’s your answer to this?
143. Get “Into” a European Sport
Posted in sports on March 4, 2011 by Allen
Bless you Europe. Everything about you seems exotic to us. Your fragrant wines, your crazy fashion, your outrageous accents.
The great thing about really getting into a European sport is that, if you really want to, you’ll never miss a game. The time difference allows you to get up at 4:30 am to watch the end of that Cycling race or to take in that Cricket tie.
You hear ridiculous expressions from play by play commentators like “That chap is a dibbly dobbler“, or “They’re at sixes and sevens at the back!”
Perhaps the single greatest benefit of really getting into a European sport is that it now allows you to wear colourful football scarves indoors and memorize fan chants like Dirty Northern Bastards and Posh Spice is a Slapper.
142. Help Push a Stranger’s Car
Posted in stuff on February 19, 2011 by Allen
For this example, let’s call that stranger, Steven.
Steven is at a busy intersection in his ’92 Honda Accord, waiting to make a left hand turn. He sees his opening and presses on the gas only to feel his once trusty engine sputter and die at the worst possible moment.
Steven swears at the top of his lungs, for a moment almost drowning out the crescendo of angry horns from irate drivers all around him. He slams the car into neutral, opens his driver door, and laboriously tries to push and steer his car to the side of the road.
Suddenly, the car seems light! Steven turns around and sees you pushing on the back, easily helping to guide the Accord through the intersection and safely off to the curb. Gratefully, Steven turns back again only to see you give him one of your patented No Need to Thank Me waves as you disappear back into the hustle and bustle of the city.
Steven is left wondering, “Who was that, anyway? Where did they come from? Were they some kind of angel?”
The answers to those three questions are: 1) You, 2) just walking along the sidewalk, and… 3) Yes.
141. Make Up a Backstory for your Neighbours
Posted in stuff on February 7, 2011 by Allen
This is not so much a “cool” thing to do as it is a “fun” thing to do. Cool people do fun things, however, so it counts.
Currently I have a neighbour living downstairs who is a hit-man for the mob, the guy at my local coffee shop is a world famous house DJ and the woman across the street is a member of the Swazi Royal Family now living in exile.
Sadly, I recently discovered that the mob hit-man is actually a Youth and Family Worker at a local elementary school. This brings up an important rule: under NO circumstances should you allow yourself to find out what these people really do. Once the illusion is shattered, you can never get it back.
140. Be the “Point Man” for the Evening’s Events
Posted in soirees on January 25, 2011 by Allen
This is a high risk/high reward job. As the Point Man, you are essentially the organizer. Most likely, the night’s activities were your idea. If the itinerary you lay out is awesome and everyone has a good time, you’re the hero. If the events are not fun, well… that goes on your permanent record.
What’s that? You’re ready to step up and design a soiree of fun for your friends? OK, here’s the difficult part: You’ll be spending half the night fielding texts and firing off messages of logistics to everyone. You need to be firm and decisive! You make a meeting time and you stick to it! You have the addresses of all the places you’ll be going to and the times you expect to be there! People will forget where they’re going, they’ll come late, they’ll want to know if they’re on the guest list. Make sure your phone is charged. If it dies, the evening is lost.
Your friends are awesome, but when you’re the Point Man, they’re like a bunch of preschool children. Tell them what to do and where to go and they’ll love you for it.
139. Develop a Good “Photo Face”
Posted in style on January 19, 2011 by Allen
This does not mean “be good looking” or “have a nice smile”. You’re going to get your photo taken hundreds of times this year. You can’t be all smiley and happy in every shot, it reads as forced. Likewise, you can’t always throw out a coquettish, sexy look all the time, it’s just not appropriate for a family Christmas card.
What you’re going to need to develop is a repeatable, non-committal facial expression that says “I’m having fun and I’m happy to be here”. Generally, this expression falls into the category of funny or surprised without being overly ridiculous. It’s great for when you want to stand out in a group.
The fact is, when somebody yells out, “Say cheeze!” it’s much easier to hold your “photo face” than it is to hold a phony smile.
Vincent Van Gogh painted many self portraits in a variety of different styles throughout his career. As you experiment with your “photo face”, exploring it’s various subtleties and nuances with every pic, think of yourself as the Vincent Van Gogh of the Nikon Age.
138. Carry a Flask
Posted in style on January 2, 2011 by Allen
Straight out of the Golden Age of Drinking, nothing evokes images of prohibition, speakeasies and flapper girls quite like breaking out that little metal container full of hooch.
Perfect for dinner parties, movie theaters or just wandering around the mall. It’s hobo chic. It adds an element of class and dignity to your brazen public drinking.
Perhaps the greatest delight of the flask comes from passing it to someone else. See the excitement and anticipation in their eyes as they bring it to their lips. It is the thrill of mystery booze that does it. Until it’s actually in their mouth, there is no way for them to truly know what they’re about to drink.
137. Just Eat at the Party
Posted in soirees on December 26, 2010 by Allen
Nothing is more frustrating than having a big meal before going out for the night only to realize, once you get to the party, that you’re too full to enjoy any of the spread. Proper food planning is essential in order for you to get the most out of your seasonal holiday parties.
First of all, eating dinner before going out is just wasted time. Cool people are so busy doing cool things and making the world a cooler place that taking time out for a meal is rarely an option.
Secondly, everyting you need is already at the party. Most spreads will include the five essential food groups: vegetables, cheese, pastries, crab cakes and chocolate desserts.
Finally, it’s impolite not to graze on the food your host has laid out. If they’ve gone to all the trouble to microwave those little sausage rolls from Costco, the most gracious thing you can do is to jam a bunch of them in your mouth. It’s common courtesy.
136. “Cut One” Privately
Posted in stuff on December 9, 2010 by Allen
This one sort of sucks because, if you do it properly, nobody will actually know you’ve done it. But that’s sorta the point.
Look, the Cool are judged just as much for what they don’t do as for what they do. Without getting too “medical” here, just remember that the next time you’re hanging out with your friends and you feel a bit of gaseous pressure building up, go for a little walk into the kitchen where you can safely let nature run it’s course. Hell, while you’re there, offer to grab someone a drink. You’ve just doubled your cool.
There really is no classier way to fart.
135. Be Awesome at Shuffling Cards
Posted in skills, sweet videos on November 24, 2010 by Allen
Or any kind of card manipulation for that matter. The sweetest part of any poker hand is when the dealer goes from a Tornado Box Opener to a Buckeye, into a Ribbon Spread followed by a Riffle Shuffle and a Card Spring Flourish before finally dealing out the cards. This is how you achieve full croupier status.
The only drawback to becoming awesome at card manipulation is that it requires practice. Unfortunately, at the beginning this practice usually results in cards flying everywhere. That sucks. To fix this problem, you can do one of three things:
1. Get good quickly.
2. Have 10 or 15 different decks of cards on the table. If one blows up all over the place, let it go. Just grab the next deck and keep on practicing.
3. Have a couple of kids running around picking up all the cards when they fall to the ground. To them, you’re just playing 52 Pickup, and all kids love 52 Pickup.
Remember, it’s not wether you win or loose, it’s how you make the cards dance!
Super Cool Biking Video Sequel
Posted in sweet videos on November 17, 2010 by AllenHow does he even imagine these tricks? There is no way that anyone should be able to do what Danny MacAskill can. This is the highly anticipated sequel to his Inspired Bicycles video, posted earlier on this blog.
Thanks, little brother Peter, for giving me the heads up on this one.
134. Go Places in a Limo
Posted in style on November 4, 2010 by Allen
Comfortable spacious seating, fully stocked bar, tinted windows that block out the prying eyes of the riff raff. There really is no better way to get around. This is something that presidents, super villains and millionaire playboys have known for a long time.
The beautiful thing about rolling in a limousine, however, is that it also essentially gives you the right to blare music and demand attention. The basic assumption of those outside the car is that those inside are having the time of their lives. You owe it to those outsiders to live up to their expectations. This is why grade 12 girls insist on standing out the sun roof on grad night. Cuz it’s awesome!
This is great news. If some irate mobster sends a limo around to pick you up and take you on “one last ride”, you can rest easy knowing that at least you’re going out in style:
Jimmy Hoffa: So, where are we going?
Mobster: Giants Stadium.
Jimmy Hoffa: Awesome! Mind if I pour myself a drink?
133. Know the Lyrics to Songs
Posted in skills on October 19, 2010 by Allen
And sing with your friends.
There is no greater feeling of community than suddenly breaking into song with a bunch of people and perfectly belting out the lyrics. It can happen at anytime, the right song comes onto the radio and BAM, instant karaoke bar!
Basically what the group of you are saying is, “I know this song, you know this song, we all know this song and we’re awesome because of it. Now let’s share it with the world!”
132. Break a Record
Posted in skills on October 11, 2010 by Allen
Any record. We are a culture obsessed with peak human achievement. Remember how, as a kid, you constantly read The Guinness Book of World Records? You were preparing yourself for now.
It can be anything from tying knots in cherry stems with your tongue to getting the high score in Donkey Kong. The important thing is that you now own that particular activity. The next time one of your friends tries to see how many marshmallows they can stuff in their mouth, they’ll know that they’re competing against you!
You Are Legend!
Cool School Band Home Video
Posted in sweet videos on October 9, 2010 by AllenLaughter is infectious. You’ll see.
