Archive for June, 2009

26. An Awesome Ringtone when You Call

Posted in stuff on June 30, 2009 by Allen

shopping-phoneThis one will require you to make some “tweaks” on your friend’s cell phone.  

Figure out which is your friend’s favorite song and then insist that they make that the ringtone for when you call them.  The thinking behind this is: if your ringtone is their favorite then they’ll subconsciously be hoping that you call them all the time.  Gateway to Cool.

If that song’s “unavailable”, here are a couple of ringtones that are sure to bring a smile to a phone owner’s face:  Sweet Child of Mine, This is Why I’m Hot, One Love, Paper Planes, The Corner, Back in Black.

The true magic happens when you call your friend and they’re with a bunch of other people.  Now a whole group suddenly knows you’re cool.  Mass marketing.

25. (for men) Take a Ballroom Dance Class

Posted in skills on June 28, 2009 by Allen

dance dipThe popularity of Bollywood movies and Reality T.V. Dance Shows have placed an enormous burden on men.  Moving with rhythm and grace is just not something we do naturally.

But if you learn even just a few  dance moves you’ll have an incredibly powerful  weapon in your arsenal.  Be more popular at the wedding reception than the groom.

Look, when it comes right down to it, women just want to be led, spun and dipped.

24. (for women) Care, a little bit, about Sports

Posted in statements on June 25, 2009 by Allen

kristine_novak  Guy 1: Hey, you should have come over on Sunday.  A bunch of us got together to watch the game.

Guy 2: Oh, yeah?  Who was there?

Guy 1:  Mark, Dave, Melissa and Clayton.

Guy 2:  Melissa was there?

Guy 1: Yeah, she’s a huge Eagles fan.  She got so upset when they lost that she “accidentally” broke a glass.

Guy 2: Wow, sounds like a pretty cool chick.

Guy 1: Yeah, yeah, she is cool.

23. Spike your Slurpee

Posted in stuff on June 22, 2009 by Allen

captain_slurpeeThe Europeans have it figured out.  We poor North Americans have to hatch newer and more covert ways to drink in public.

Perfect for Farmer’s Markets, park BBQ’s or just walking down the city street.  The Slurp-tini gives you all the refreshing cool of a summertime slushie coupled with that warm electric throat drip  of a “grown-up” drink.  

But drink up, the booze makes it melt more quickly!

22. Shave a Lightning Bolt into your Head

Posted in style on June 19, 2009 by Allen

Photo 4Clipper designs are cool, but they’ve gotten too complex.  Not to worry.  The lightning bolt is simple, bold, and effective.  

Harry Potter for your hair.

 A favorite of soccer players and sprinters alike, the  bolt just makes you go faster.

If the Gods of Olympus walk among us, you’ll probably be able to  tell who they are because they’ll have a lightning bolt shorn into their heads.

21. Learn to play the Harmonica

Posted in skills on June 16, 2009 by Allen

Jason_Ricci_1There’s something very ‘Bob Dylan/Jack Kerouac’ about the ol’ Hobo Trombone.

Whether you’re opening up for Elvis Costello at the House of Blues in Chicago or you’re traveling cross country from boxcar to boxcar, searching for the American dream, the harmonica is an essential piece of musical cool.  

It’s relatively easy to learn, convenient to carry, and when the guitars come out at the bonfire party and start laying down Radiohead’s Paranoid Android you’ll be the coolest guy on the beach when you rock out that Johnny Greenwood “Rain Down, rain down” 3rd section (3:39) on your harmonica.  For real.

20. Keep a REAL Picture in your Wallet

Posted in stuff on June 14, 2009 by Allen

tv_lost3_2.22How tacky is it when someone says “Hey, you wanna see a picture of my kids?” and then whips out an iPhone and pinches and scrolls their way through a bunch of jpegs?  Pretty tacky.

A real picture, now that’s cool.

Whether it’s a photo of your sweetheart, a sailboat, or an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, it just means so much more if it’s weathered and folded with some writing scribbled on the back.  You can kiss it good night before you go to sleep, and, if the object of your love betrays you, you can pin it to the wall and turn it into a dart board.

19. Throw Stones with Perfect Accuracy

Posted in skills on June 11, 2009 by Allen

Iain-Faulkner-Throwing-Stones-webWhether you’re whiling away the afternoon skipping stones at the beach or you’re inciting a riot after a Guns’n’Roses concert, the ability to chuck a rock with deadeye precision is an absolute must.

Remember, it’s also important to look cool while you’re loitering.  Imagine yourself and a couple of friends hanging around in front of a 7-11, waiting for your ride to show up.  Inevitably someone says, “Hey, who thinks they can hit that sign from here with a rock?”

The coolest person in the group is the one who makes the sign go PING first.

18. Concoct your own Cocktail

Posted in skills on June 7, 2009 by Allen should be refreshing, delicious, and leave it’s drinker with a nice warm feeling.  Tell no one the recipe.

If you know how to spin bottles and you own a pair of Ray-Bans then you should prepare it in front of your friends.  While you do this, tell them some story about how you first tasted this wonderful  elixir along El Malecon in Havana or at a desert oasis in Marrakesh.  

Finally, you need to give your special cocktail an epic, unforgettable name like  Angel Blood,  E.S.P. or The Origin of the Species.

17. Do NOT put clothes on your dog

Posted in statements on June 4, 2009 by Allen

DogCostume-01Guy 1– “Dude, why are you all scratched up?”

Guy 2– “Don’t ask.”

Guy 1– “You’re bleeding.”

Guy 2– “I was trying to put a sweater on Carson and he was being difficult.”

Guy 1– “………”

Guy 2– “I had to fold his legs back to get his head through the neck hole.”

Guy 1– “………”

Guy 2– “I squeezed him between my legs to hold him still but when I was pulling the sweater down, he bit me.”

Guy 1– “Who’s Carson?”

Guy 2– “My French Bulldog.”

Guy 1– “………………”

16. Come up with an alternative word for “awesome”

Posted in statements on June 3, 2009 by Allen

45288744-27134415Basically you just need to replace the word awesome in your sentence with a noun or proper noun that exudes the kind of awesomeness you’re trying to convey.  For example:

“I just got back from boarding up at Baker.  The snow was butter!

“I love your new shoes man, those are so ninja!”

“Did you see the hit that Urlacher laid on Adrian Peterson in the Bears game on Sunday?  That $%&# was Van Damme!”

“How was your date last night?”  “Zinfandel, dude.  Zinfandel!”

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