Archive for August, 2009

46. Do NOT Take your Shirt Off in the Nightclub

Posted in style on August 28, 2009 by Allen


It’s hard, I know.  It’s Friday night, you’re gettin your drink on, the DJ’s droppin the filthy darkcore.  The world’s just melting away.  You’re feeling sooo good, sooo free.  You just need to cool down a tick so you slip your shirt off.

Hold up a second, Bruce Banner.

Nobody wants this.  No shoes, no shirt, no service.  Convenience store rules still apply.   What are you, a werewolf?

It comes down to this:  We don’t want you to get your sweat on us.  It’s as simple as that.

C’mon, 50 Cent, put your kevlar back on.

45. Befriend a Homless Guy

Posted in stuff on August 25, 2009 by Allen

mariah-homelessThis means that you know their first name and you’ve listened to their story at least once.  If they’re selling something (ie. books, wood carvings, poems) you buy one of their goods a minimum of once a month, and if they’re not, you give them a little bit of money instead.  It’s the decent human thing to do.

Remember, one indicator of cool is being friends with a wide variety of people.  A command of a range of social situations.

The next time you’re walking down the street with your friends and you see your guy you say, “Hey, what’s going on Randy?  How’s your leg?  Here’s a couple bucks.”  You’ll feel kinda good, you’ll be doing your civic duty and your friends will suddenly see you as a Champion for the Unfortunate who’s so popular that they’re on a first name basis with everyone in their neighborhood.  It’s win, win, win.

44. Create a Mighty Cannonball Splash

Posted in skills on August 21, 2009 by Allen

3789340737_e3ffd05436Remember when you were a kid and you were at your friend’s pool party and your friend’s older brother (who was in high-school) came home and practically emptied the pool with a seismic cannonball?  Yeah….that kid’s older brother was cool.

The perfect cannonball should hurt a little.  You should go momentarily deaf as the water vacuums back against the sides of your head, effectively boxing your ears.  Your sinuses should sting as you swallow chlorinated water through your nose.  You should become briefly disoriented at the bottom of the pool.

But, if you’ve performed this cannonball correctly, everyone sitting within at least 3 meters of the pool’s edge should get wet.  Sure, some of the tanners might complain for a moment or two, but you tell them, “Hey, that’s just my way of letting you know it’s time to turn over.  You’re looking kinda red.”

43. Be the Bar-B-KING

Posted in skills on August 19, 2009 by Allen

EH-barbecuingThe grill-master is easily the coolest guy in the backyard.  The barbecue is what brings the party together and he who man’s it is it’s nucleus .

Even if all the cutting and marinating have been done by someone else, the Bar-B-King is given all the credit for making food delicious.

Take advice from no one.  Always give the impression that you know exactly what you’re doing.  The trick is to  make people believe that working the spit is a job of such complex delicacy that only a chosen one can complete it.  The Messiah of the Meat

Remember, he who controls the fire, controls the food.  He who controls the food, controls the tribe.

42. Throw Your Panties On-Stage

Posted in statements on August 17, 2009 by Allen

222349617_2554fde901A friend told me yesterday that she always brings an extra pair to concerts in case the band rocks her into such a delirium that she’s moved to throw her panties at their feet.  Being prepared just makes good sense.

If the elastic isn’t springy enough you can wrap them around an ice cube from your soda in order to add a bit of weight and get maximum distance.

Ladies, it’s time to Tom Jones up the place.

41. Play Disc Golf

Posted in sports on August 14, 2009 by Allen


Also known as Frisbee Golf or Frolf.

Yes, Disc  Golf is a bit of a “burnout’s” game but let’s examine, for a moment, why the burnouts love it.  It’s free to play, lasts about an hour, takes place outside in the sunshine and you can get disc bags that include a drink holder.  People, this is the perfect afternoon activity to kick off a night of partying. 

Sure, little kids in the park will still stare at the disc golfers with both wonder and fear, but, the more you get into it, the more oblivious to others you become and the cooler the game gets.  The trick is to take it as seriously as possible.

P.S.  This is a legitimate sport.  Never call it Frolf.  It makes it sound like a muppet.

40. Ski in Jeans

Posted in style on August 11, 2009 by Allen

2488295083_25acfda5ecThe problem with wearing jeans in the snow is that  if they get wet, they will become soggy and heavy and cold.

There are two types of skiers in the world:  those who fall and those who cruise.  By wearing your jeans when you ski you are effectively declaring to the mountain that you are a skier who cruises.

Skiing in jeans is one of those few times when it’s also cool to have a cigarette dangling out of your mouth.

39. Know Something about Wine

Posted in skills on August 10, 2009 by Allen

drinking wine1Get your hands on a Magnum or Methuselah, stay away from the Cleanskin and make sure you always use a Drip Dickey.  Just try not to be a Cork Dork about it all.

Knowing something about wine can be a gateway to cool.  Picture this:

You sit at the head of a 20 person table in a fancy restaurant.  The waiter approaches and corks a bottle of Antinori Solaia Cabernet Sauvignon 2005.  He pours you a small amount to test.  You pick up the glass and you see, swirl, sniff and sip.  There is a collective gasp of anticipation as your party awaits your verdict.  “TAKE IT BACK!” you bellow, unsatisfied.  Your friends are grateful to have a connoisseur in their midsts and you are the coolest person in the room, although maybe not in the eyes of the waiter.

38. Wear a Pro Jersey that Says Something about YOU

Posted in style on August 6, 2009 by Allen

namath1When you put any athlete’s  jersey on, you are associating yourself with everything that particular athlete has done or stood for.  It’s vital to choose the right one.

First of all:  If you rock a Kobe Bryant, Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi jersey it means you know nothing about the sport and are simply wearing what is popular.  The opposite of cool.

If you’re German, wear the  Dirk Nowitzki, Deutchland #12.  If you’re a bit of a hot-head, wear the Ron Artest, Indiana Pacers #91.  If you think rules are meant to be broken, wear a Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants #25.

 (Above Photo:   Namath #12 NY Jets jersey:  Joe Namath was famous for two great quotes.  1. He guaranteed victory in Super Bowl III, and 2. He drunkenly said “I want to kiss you” to a woman interviewing him during a live game telecast.  Confident and loose with women.  By wearing Namath’s jersey, the guy in this photo is saying he possess both of those qualities.  He probably does.)

37. Do NOT Wander Aimlessly through the Crowd when the Band’s On

Posted in stuff on August 4, 2009 by Allen

800px-Concert_Crowd_-_OdenseFind your spot and stay there!!!

Seriously, dude, where are you even going?

“Ahhh…but my friend’s saving my spot up at the front.”

Sorry guy, spot’s gone.  It disappeared 2 hours ago when you were in the first aid tent  “chilling out.”

But what do you do if someone wanders up and stands right in front of you in the middle of the set?  Easy.  Lean forward so that your chest is touching their back and breath heavily down the neck of their shirt.

Uncomfortable?  Yes.

Passive Aggressive?  Yes.

Effective?  You better believe it.

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