How You Can Be Cool

Remember when you were a kid and you were at your friend’s pool party and your friend’s older brother (who was in high-school) came home and practically emptied the pool with a seismic cannonball?  Yeah….that kid’s older brother was cool.

The perfect cannonball should hurt a little.  You should go momentarily deaf as the water vacuums back against the sides of your head, effectively boxing your ears.  Your sinuses should sting as you swallow chlorinated water through your nose.  You should become briefly disoriented at the bottom of the pool.

But, if you’ve performed this cannonball correctly, everyone sitting within at least 3 meters of the pool’s edge should get wet.  Sure, some of the tanners might complain for a moment or two, but you tell them, “Hey, that’s just my way of letting you know it’s time to turn over.  You’re looking kinda red.”

The grill-master is easily the coolest guy in the backyard.  The barbecue is what brings the party together and he who man’s it is it’s nucleus .

Even if all the cutting and marinating have been done by someone else, the Bar-B-King is given all the credit for making food delicious.

Take advice from no one.  Always give the impression that you know exactly what you’re doing.  The trick is to  make people believe that working the spit is a job of such complex delicacy that only a chosen one can complete it.  The Messiah of the Meat. 

Remember, he who controls the fire, controls the food.  He who controls the food, controls the tribe.

Get your hands on a Magnum or Methuselah, stay away from the Cleanskin and make sure you always use a Drip Dickey.  Just try not to be a Cork Dork about it all.

Knowing something about wine can be a gateway to cool.  Picture this:

You sit at the head of a 20 person table in a fancy restaurant.  The waiter approaches and corks a bottle of Antinori Solaia Cabernet Sauvignon 2005.  He pours you a small amount to test.  You pick up the glass and you see, swirl, sniff and sip.  There is a collective gasp of anticipation as your party awaits your verdict.  “TAKE IT BACK!” you bellow, unsatisfied.  Your friends are grateful to have a connoisseur in their midsts and you are the coolest person in the room, although maybe not in the eyes of the waiter.