Archive for September, 2009

55. Flip Someone the Bird

Posted in statements on September 29, 2009 by Allen

kid-flipping-birdThe ol’ Finger Salute is awesome because it is always done in one of two spirits, both of which are cool:

1. The spirit of irony and fun.  You recognize it’s hilarity and are employing it for the sake of comedy.  You’ll often deliver this through the windshield of your car towards a friend as you pick them up or drop them off.  It’s a friendly greeting.   

2. The spirit of sincere anger and malice.  You’re so overcome by rage that you have no other recourse but to resort to a ridiculous hand gesture.  You’ll often deliver this through the windshield of your car towards a fellow motorist when merely swearing at them just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  

Regardless of your intention, it’s cool because you’ve chosen to focus all your emotion into the tip of your middle finger.  And hey, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as letting someone know they’re Number #1.

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54. “Get” someone else’s Obscure Movie Reference

Posted in skills on September 26, 2009 by Allen

ebertroeperpartwaysLook, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist, but, if you can pick up on other people’s film references, you may be able to rival the Devil in sheer “cool”.  CAN YOU DIG IT??!!

It may seem Inconceivable!!!, but there is a powerful respect and awe that is formed when two people recognize that they share a common movie lexicon.  So powerful, sometimes,  that it may  go to 11.

I realize that nobody puts Baby in a corner.  

I’m not suggesting that all Jedi had was a bunch of muppets.  

I never said that I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture, and kill them.  

But, if you’ll agree that you can’t fight in here, this is the War Room, and that what I love about these high school girls, man, is that I get older and they stay the same age, then I must finish by telling you that I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

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53. Help a Buddy Move

Posted in stuff on September 22, 2009 by Allen

g2582585f51ae3c1e542d736f87803cedad085d80b7fb6aMoving is the worst thing in the world.  Shark attacks suck, but they’re usually over quickly.  Moving can last all day.

Let’s be clear here: the work/reward ratio is completely out of balance.  On a tangible level, you will be paid in pizza, beer and blisters.  The friend you are helping, however, will be indebted to you forever.  Or at least until they help you move.  It’s part of the unspoken code.  It is the Urban Samurai equivalent of saving someone’s life.

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52. Find the “Secret” Bathroom at Work

Posted in spaces on September 17, 2009 by Allen

bathroom-hidden-tvThere’s one in every office building, school and sports arena.  You just have to find it!

Let’s face it, sometimes you really need the privacy that a public toilet cannot afford.  The secret washroom is always cleaner and quieter than anything else you’ll find in the building.  It will be your sanctuary, your Bat-Cave.  Frankly, it’s just nice to be able to disappear for 20 minutes in the middle of the day.

Others will try to get you to give up it’s location.  Remember, the secret washroom is much like your old make-out spot, a good fishing hole or Thailand.  The more people who go there, the crappier it becomes.

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51. Deliver an Intoxicating Neck Massage

Posted in skills on September 14, 2009 by Allen

1532526080_aacb8ff4d7

But how do you offer one without seeming creepy?   The trick is not to ask for permission but to just tell them you’re going to dole one out.  “You look tense.  Here, I’m going to give you massage.”   Remember, everyone wants a neck massage.  Everyone.

It doesn’t need to take a long time, it just needs to be effective.  Commit to it for 3 minutes.  Use a controlled variety of kneading, pulling and tapping techniques.  If done properly, it should make your recipient feel slightly drowsy. If you’ve done a really good job, they will have drooled a little.

When they turn around afterwards, stare at you with glazed over eyes and say “Thank you”, what they’re really saying is “Wow!”  

Wow is the word most often used to describe cool people.

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50. Take the “How You Can Be Cool” Challenge

Posted in stuff on September 10, 2009 by Allen

25817-118234-TheMachoManRandySavageRandyjpg-468xThe challenge is simple:  In one weekend, attempt to achieve as many of the skills, styles, statements, soirees, sports and stuff on the How You Can Be Cool list as possible.  

My three brothers and I (pictured in post #7) endeavored to do this over the Labour Day long weekend.  We managed 43 out of 50.  The bar has been set. 

Congratulations.  This will be the coolest 3 days of your life.

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49. Learn some Yo-Yo Tricks

Posted in skills, sweet videos on September 8, 2009 by Allen

kjyy10The perfect accessory for loitering.

You’re leaning against the lamp post, zipping it down and up, down and up, down and up, down and AROUND THE WORLD, WALK THE DOG, CATS CRADLE,  GUILLOTINE, TRAPEZE, RIPCORD, TETHERED  TODDLER, BUCKET O’ CLAY and up, down and up, down and up.  Your not even trying to be cool but the yo-yo just can’t help itself.

One part Filipino weapon, one part West Side Story prop, the yo-yo is the very essence of “just hanging out”.

Eventually you can get this good….

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48. Litter with Respect

Posted in stuff on September 3, 2009 by Allen

litterIf you’re walking along with a piece of trash in your hand and no garbage can to throw it in, don’t just huck it onto the sidewalk.  Find another piece of litter on the ground and gently place your trash beside it.  You have created an impromptu garbage pile!!

 This makes it far easier for the Municipal Sanitation Engineers or Garbage Fairy or whoever cleans up street refuse to pick up your trash later.  You’ve also provided City Planners with a suggestion as to where they might want to place a garbage can in the future.  It’s called “doing your part”, people.

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47. Have Ninja-like Balance

Posted in skills on September 1, 2009 by Allen

2949083190078732785iIbWcI_fsOk, here’s the game:  You need to get from the front steps of the courthouse to the parking lot.  You can only walk on rails, fire hydrants, large rocks and the edge of the fountain.  The ground is lava.  Only the coolest shall survive.

Remember, it was Daniel San’s incredible balance, despite his leg injury, that allowed him to deliver the mighty Crane kick against Johnny in the All Valley Karate Tournament that led to the defeat of the Cobra Kai.

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