Archive for November, 2009

70. Secretly Order Pizza for Everyone

Posted in stuff on November 30, 2009 by Allen

Picture this:  You’re at a party.  The doorbell rings.  The host goes to answer it and comes back with a confused look on their face, “The delivery guy’s out front, did somebody order pizza?”  As you get up you casually declare, “Yeah, I did.  I thought we might all be hungry.”  So awesome.

Free pizza has an almost indescribable allure.  As human beings we are powerless to resist grabbing a slice.  There is no way to match that divine moment of anticipation when the lid is propped open and the delicious cheesy/tomatoey aroma first wafts into the air.  Your gift to the party.

A meal and unlimited cool, all for just $15 + tip.

A Cool “Trompe d’Oeil”

Posted in sweet videos on November 26, 2009 by Allen

69. Travel by Train

Posted in stuff on November 24, 2009 by Allen

Flying has become so vulgar these days, what with it’s security checks, standby flights and bankrupt airlines.  Riding the rails is a far more romantic way to get around.

Spend an afternoon in the dining car watching the world pass by and then curl up in the sleeping car and be rocked into a deep slumber as your steel crib trundles down the tracks.  As the preferred choice of land prospectors, boy wizards and hobos alike, the train really is the classiest way to move around the country.

The true magic of riding the train is how it simplifies your travel down to a grade 3 math problem: If  a train from San Jose leaves at 4pm and arrives in El Paso just after midnight while another train, heading in the opposite direction, leaves Albuquerque at noon on the same day……..

68. Propose a Toast

Posted in statements on November 21, 2009 by Allen

It doesn’t matter how ridiculous it is, if you propose a toast, social convention dictates that everyone stop what they’re doing, listen intently and drink in the name of whatever insane premise you’ve put forth.  By doing so, everyone is publicly agreeing with you.  Now that’s power.

Here’s the catch, you need to be the first person to propose the toast.  There is a slight decrease in the status of everyone else who failed to recognize the momentousness of the occasion.  Their lose is your gain.

So, whether you’re a grandchild toasting Grandpa’s 90th birthday, a Maid of Honor toasting the Bride or a Super Villain toasting to world domination, raise your glass and bathe in the cool.

Cool Freestyle Battle

Posted in skills, sweet videos on November 19, 2009 by Allen

Note:  it’s all in good fun, but if the occasional racial barb gets you down, you probably want to skip this one.

67. Catch a Fish

Posted in skills, sports on November 16, 2009 by Allen

DSCF0023_thumbMake no mistake, fishing is not easy.  It requires patience, timing and charisma.  It’s not enough to just know the “hotspots”.  Your lure has to be shinier, sexier and downright cooler than everything else down there, otherwise the fish just won’t be interested.

If you’re the only one on your boat to pull one in, all the better.  Your fishing mate will ask you how you did it.  Tell them that, “The ability to catch a fish is intangible.  It exists somewhere out there in the ether.  It’s something you’re born with.  You may as well be asking me to teach you how to have blue eyes”.

Also, catching a fish rules because it reminds nature of our dominance over her.  There are more human attacks on sharks every year then there are shark attacks on humans.  It’s just a little payback for all the hurricanes and wildfires that nature puts us through.

66. Have an Accent

Posted in statements on November 11, 2009 by Allen

james_bond__pierce__208750gForeign things are cooler then domestic things and the accent is the most delicious indicator of the foreign mystique.

We love accents.  We love trying to place accents.  When we hear one, it can be intoxicating.  If someone with an accent asks us to do something we’re far more inclined to want to do it.  Partly it’s because we’re hypnotized by the strange rhythms and tones of their voice and partly because we want to give this foreigner a good impression of our city and country.

The good news is, accents can be faked.  Try adding a slight British pip to your words, or maybe a hint of French je ne sais quois.  You’ll be surprised how far it’ll get you.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has had plenty of time to lose his accent but he’s chosen to keep it because he knows how persuasive it can be.  An entire state made him their leader because he sounds like a cartoon.

65. Survive Swine Flu

Posted in stuff on November 5, 2009 by Allen

how-people-get-swine-fluThese days, nothing’s more terrifying than getting Swine Flu and nothing’s more badass than having gone through it.

Guy 1: “You had H1N1?  What was it like?”

Guy 2: “It was the worst I’ve ever felt.  My joints ached, my eyeballs throbbed, my teeth felt like screwdrivers being twisted up into my gums.  I think it might have even bruised my soul!”

Guy 1: “And now you’re better and you’re immune?”

Guy 2: “That’s right!”

Guy1: “So that means you don’t have to hold your breath on the bus or turn doorknobs with the sleeve of your coat anymore?  That must be so cool”

Guy 2: “It is.”

64. Put Animals at Ease

Posted in skills on November 2, 2009 by Allen

cesar_millanRemember that scene in Crocodile Dundee when he hypnotizes the water buffalo?  That was awesome.

Whether you’re soothing a barking dog or calming a spooked horse, when you put an animal at ease, you put people at ease.  That’s cool.  Especially if you do it by whispering in it’s ear or gently stroking it’s head.  You should try to make it look like you’re using some kind of Voodoo/Dr. Doolitle ninja trick.

At the end of the day, being “good” with animals is like being “good” with children.  It won’t make you rich or famous, but it looks classy and it makes women melt.

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