How You Can Be Cool

Picture this:  You’re at a party.  The doorbell rings.  The host goes to answer it and comes back with a confused look on their face, “The delivery guy’s out front, did somebody order pizza?”  As you get up you casually declare, “Yeah, I did.  I thought we might all be hungry.”  So awesome.

Free pizza has an almost indescribable allure.  As human beings we are powerless to resist grabbing a slice.  There is no way to match that divine moment of anticipation when the lid is propped open and the delicious cheesy/tomatoey aroma first wafts into the air.  Your gift to the party.

A meal and unlimited cool, all for just $15 + tip.

Flying has become so vulgar these days, what with it’s security checks, standby flights and bankrupt airlines.  Riding the rails is a far more romantic way to get around.

Spend an afternoon in the dining car watching the world pass by and then curl up in the sleeping car and be rocked into a deep slumber as your steel crib trundles down the tracks.  As the preferred choice of land prospectors, boy wizards and hobos alike, the train really is the classiest way to move around the country.

The true magic of riding the train is how it simplifies your travel down to a grade 3 math problem: If  a train from San Jose leaves at 4pm and arrives in El Paso just after midnight while another train, heading in the opposite direction, leaves Albuquerque at noon on the same day……..

These days, nothing’s more terrifying than getting Swine Flu and nothing’s more badass than having gone through it.

Guy 1: “You had H1N1?  What was it like?”

Guy 2: “It was the worst I’ve ever felt.  My joints ached, my eyeballs throbbed, my teeth felt like screwdrivers being twisted up into my gums.  I think it might have even bruised my soul!”

Guy 1: “And now you’re better and you’re immune?”

Guy 2: “That’s right!”

Guy1: “So that means you don’t have to hold your breath on the bus or turn doorknobs with the sleeve of your coat anymore?  That must be so cool”

Guy 2: “It is.”