Archive for December, 2009

76. Carve the Turkey

Posted in skills on December 30, 2009 by Allen

Eating the turkey is delicious, but carving the turkey is gross.  It’s bony and greasy and it slides around.  It’s doesn’t cut straight, it’s rubbery and usually it’s steaming hot.  But damn it, it needs to be done.

The carving of the turkey is the final peg in an enormous military-like operation of timing, precision and display.  The potatoes have just been mashed, the stuffing is being put in pots and the cranberry sauce is on the table.  The meal is moments away and, for everything to sync up properly, the toughest job, the carve, needs to be carried out quickly and efficiently.  That’s where you come in.

In the clan’s eyes, you will be the Messiah of the Meal.  As you place those perfectly cut slices down on the table, everyone will forget that you sat around all day drinking beer and watching football.

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75. Have a Man Cave

Posted in spaces on December 21, 2009 by Allen

A man cave should be a sanctuary into which any man can retreat with his friends and escape the harsh realities of the world.  Like in a Las Vegas Casino, time will cease to exist and guests  won’t ever want to leave.

A good man cave should have as many of the following as possible:  an enormous flat screen HD T.V., video game system, plush sofas, a dart board, a fully stocked bar, a pool table, a computer, a hot tub, sports memorabilia, some miscellaneous free weights lying around, some musical instruments, a cool wall display of mint condition vintage Nikes and a stripper pole.

The female version of a man cave is called a lady lounge. It should have a deep bath tub, lot’s of big pillows, wine and champagne on ice, chocolate, crackers and brie, a walk-in closet full of fashionable “dress-up” things, at least one enormous floor to ceiling mirror and one of those huge chairs from the airport that gives you a massage……..and a stripper pole.

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74. Speak in Rhyme

Posted in skills on December 18, 2009 by Allen

(in the cadence of Dr. Seuss)

Speaking in rhyme is a skill that’s as old as that time long ago when first stories were told.

Poets and Criers and Bards used the style to dazzle their listeners and make people smile.

The tradition caught on, it’s been used like crazy, from Shakespeare to Keats to Whitman to Jay-Z.

As children it helped us to learn things in school and now that we’re grown it just sounds oh so cool.

But what truly we love when we hear someone rhyme is the magical way that they wrap up each line.

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A Cool Cautionary Tale about Christmas

Posted in sweet videos on December 15, 2009 by Allen

My brother made us watch this before going out to get our Christmas tree.

Warning:  This film gets pretty graphic.

Directed by Jason Eisner, Produced by Rob Cotteril

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73. Ginch a Mickey

Posted in soirees on December 12, 2009 by Allen

And sneak it into the club.  Think of how cool you’ll be when you break it out and start spiking everybody’s drinks under the table.  A rebel who brazenly plays by their own rules and helps liquor up their friends in the process.  That’s a double shot of cool!

Do not feel guilty about this.  After the $20 cover charge and the stupid $5 coat check, you deserve a discount on something.

Ginching a mickey is awesome because the risk / reward ratio is completely in your favor.  The reward for smuggling in free booze is far greater than the risk of the bouncer discovering it when he frisks you at the door.  Really the only way he’s going to find your baby bottle is if he grabs your crotch and if he’s prepared to do that, he deserves to win anyway.

P.S.: Don’t throw the empty bottle on the floor of the club.  Take it to the bathroom and hide it in the garbage.  The less attention you draw to what you’re doing the easier it will be to get away with it again and again.

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72. Roll with a Crew

Posted in soirees on December 8, 2009 by Allen

Wolves have this one figured out.  In the Canis Lupus world, you’re only as strong as your pack.

There are a couple of key things to remember, here:  #1. You have to have cool people in your crew and #2. Within the crew, you need to be the coolest person.  Following these simple rules will increase your own cool exponentially

When it comes right down to it, traveling with a posse is not so much about intimidation as it’s about having a bunch of people with you to laugh at your jokes.

And remember, your crew shouldn’t to be any larger then 4 or 5 people, otherwise you won’t all be able to fit into 1 cab.

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71. Have a Scar

Posted in style on December 5, 2009 by Allen

Scars are awesome because they give you crazy amounts of character.  They’re not necessarily pretty, but since when has being beautiful ever had anything to do with being cool?

Every scar is shrouded in mystery.  When we see one, our minds beg to know, “how did that happen”?  The answer could be hilarious, tragic, or anything in between, but only the bearer of the scar knows the truth.

I have a scar on my shoulder from a motor boat propeller that I got while snorkeling in Thailand.  It’s one of the most hardcore stories I have and whenever someone notices my scar, I get to tell it.

It is a completely unique way of physically remembering a significant moment in your life.   It perfectly decorates your skin and no two are exactly alike.  The scar has truly earned the title of nature’s tattoo.

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