Archive for February, 2010

91. Have the Best Looking Meal at your Table

Posted in soirees, stuff on February 25, 2010 by Allen

There is a beautiful moment of tension when the waitress sidles up to your table carrying everyone’s meal.  Whose dinner will look the most appetizing?  Who did the best job of cracking the code of the menu and ordering the best entree?

A big part of being cool is being the envy of your friends, and having the meal with the most flavorful facade earns a huge amount of envy.  This is why the ordering process can take so long, “What are you getting?  Oh really, the Cajun Chicken Wrap, is that good here?”   Nobody wants the waitress to hand them a plate that looks like floor-sweepings and then spend the rest of the meal staring longingly at everyone else’s repast.

So, how do you know what to order?  Unless you’ve eaten there before, you’ll need to look for the little clues.  Here’s one: pay attention to the free candies they give at the register.  If they are mints, order pasta.  If they are licorice/ouzo flavored, order the souvlaki.  If there are Asian characters on the packaging, feel confident in ordering the rice bowl.  If it’s a mish-mash of different candies, your best bet is the burger.  And finally, if there are no candies at all, well, that’s the restaurant’s way of telling you their food needs no confectionary support and you can safely go ahead and order the steak, the Cadillac of Restaurant Meals.

90. Break Out of a Slump

Posted in soirees, sports on February 22, 2010 by Allen

The only negative thing about ending a slump is that it requires you to have been in a slump in the first place.  That can be a real drag.  It’s basically an absence of cool, a cool cavity.  The good news, however, is that for all the loss of cool you experience whilst in the depths of your slump, your cool will be returned to you tenfold as you break out of it.

You see, we are a culture that likes to get behind the underdog.  We love stories of the downtrodden succeeding against all odds, overcoming scandals, finding redemption and generally rising from the ashes.

So, whether you’re the Boston Redsox, the World Economy, or a single guy trying to” pick up” at the bar, there’s nothing that feels quite as good or carries quite as much relief as breaking out of a long slump.


The Canadian Men’s team squeaked by the Swiss in a shootout and then lost to the Americans on Sunday night.  This constitutes a major slump.  C’mon Canada, get back in there!  Rub some ice on it and walk it off!

In every great sports story the good guys have to spend a little time with their backs against the wall. We really wouldn’t want this to play out any other way.  Breaking this slump is going to be an awesome task, but when they do, it’s going to be all the sweeter.  There’s a whole lotta’ cool on the line and all the Canadian team needs to do now is simply reach out and grab it!  It was always theirs in the first place.

A Cool Personal Olympic Update

Posted in soirees on February 20, 2010 by Allen

So, this is what’s been going on with me the last couple of days:  My family and I went to the Canada vs Switzerland hockey game on Thursday.  Canada won in a shootout.  Sweet.  I don’t use the word “euphoria” very often, but in this case, it applies.  On the way to the game I got interviewed by one of the free local daily newspapers.

Granted, the only reason I’m in this thing is because I look like a clown, but still, getting in a newspaper is pretty awesome and clearly, from what I’m wearing, I know how to pick a winner.

Here’s a question: What the hell am I doing with my hands?  It’s like I’m the Kool-Aid man and I’ve just busted through the brick wall in behind.  Ohhhh yeahhh!!!

This marks the second time I’ve made it into this particular publication.  The first time, I was on the cover, somewhat blurred out, in the background, playing Dodge-ball when they were doing a feature on my team.  Like I said, free daily paper.

Once we got into the stadium, some random dude came up to my brothers and I and asked if he could get his picture taken with us.

Turns out this guy was Canadian Olympic snowboarding gold medal winner and lover of the chronic, Ross Rebagliati.  When semi-celebrities are asking you for photos, that’s when you know you’re doing something right.

My conclusion:  I’m getting a lot of mileage out of my hat.

89. Catch some Big Air when you Jump

Posted in skills on February 19, 2010 by Allen

Whether it’s snowboarding, bungee jumping, pole vaulting, or just bouncing on a trampoline, catching big air when you jump is a sure-fire way to impress your friends and make you look cool.

There has always been direct relation between how much height you can get and  how cool you are.  Michael Jordan revolutionized basketball, not because of his competitiveness or his ability to make the players around him better, but because he was one of the first to play the game above the rim.  He brought extreme style to extreme jumping.

For thousands of years, man has longed to soar freely through the air but has been clumsily bound to the ground by the shackles of flightlessness.  Those who are able to break free of these shackles, if only for a moment, are the one’s we truly admire.

Ask any lady what she would rather do on a date: go to some cave underground or soar around the city by air?  It is for this reason that Superman will always have better game then Batman.  You see, it’s not about having the hot car.  It’s about being able to fly.

Cool Rap about Canadian Olympic Hockey Domination

Posted in sweet videos on February 17, 2010 by Allen

Found this on the London Mewsings blog.  If, after watching this, you feel like seeing a bit more flag waving, there’s another sweet rap on that site about what it is to be Canadian.  Check it out.

88. Never Stand in Lineups

Posted in stuff on February 15, 2010 by Allen

Lining up sucks.  You never see movie stars or pro athletes do it, so why should you?  If you can’t skip the line or stick to the 5 Minute Rule, go somewhere else.

But what happens if there’s a lineup outside a club and there’s an awesome band inside that you want to see?  Well, then you have to make a difficult choice.  Just know that when you stand in line in front of a club, you become a living, breathing advertisement for that club.  The club is, in effect, stealing your cool and masquerading it as it’s own.  If you’re ok with that transaction, so be it, but at the very least, you need to know that that’s what’s happening.

If you choose to walk away, however, you can do so proudly by remembering that Standing in a lineup is a waste of time and cool people don’t have time to waste.

Check out my Olympic “Credentials”

Posted in stuff on February 13, 2010 by Allen

87. Lose your Mind Cheering for your Country at the Olympics

Posted in sports, statements on February 10, 2010 by Allen

I live in Vancouver.  In 2 days my city is going to become a zoo, and I couldn’t be more stoked.

There are plenty of reasons to be anti-Olympics and some of them are very convincing, but here’s why the Olympics are sweet:  It brings out legitimate national pride.

Last week I saw this guy on the subway fully decked out in Russia gear: hat, jacket, track pants and shoes!  He wasn’t an athlete or media.  He was just some dude from Russia who’s come here to represent.  There are people like this guy all over the city basically wearing their country’s flag as clothing.  Patriotism, when applied to sports, is awesome.

And that’s the beautiful thing about the Olympics.  There’s no confusion about who you’re cheering for, no stupid jumping on the NY Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/Manchester United bandwagon.  Your team is where you were born.  It’s whoever your passport tells you to cheer for.  You are your team and if your team loses, you lose, but if they win…….national holiday!

P.S. I have tickets to see the Canada vs. Switzerland hockey game.  I will be wearing a full body Canada tracksuit, a Rick Nash jersey, Canada mittens and some weird hat with horns.  I haven’t decided if I should paint my face yet or just get a maple leaf tattooed on my forehead.

Look, I love Switzerland but, for 2 hours on Feb 18th, they’re going to be nothing more to me then a bunch of chocolate loving, watch fixing, bank account managing pansies.  I can barely type because my hands are trembling in excitementttttttttt!!!!!!!!

86. Trash Talk your Friends

Posted in statements on February 6, 2010 by Allen

The whole point of talking trash with your friends is to make life more fun and, we can all agree, those who make life more fun are invariably cool.  Here’s how it works:

Whenever you find yourself in a genial competitive situation with one of your chums, start jawin’.  What you’re effectively doing is raising the stakes of the situation making it more important for both parties involved.  It’s friendly gambling.  Your currency is pride.  When both of you have a vested interest in the outcome, the glory for the winner is that much sweeter and bitterness of defeat is that much less palatable.

Here’s the key:  You have to lose half the time.  Your friends will get enormous pleasure out of making you eat your words and you’ll smile to yourself, knowing you orchestrated the whole thing, giving them this shinning moment of triumph and turning your friendship into a thrilling, edge of your seat dual that stokes your respective competitive spirits while teaching you both valuable lessons in sportsmanship and humility.

Yo Mama!

Cool Tools and Poetry by Edgar Allen Tiberius Kirk

Posted in sweet videos on February 3, 2010 by Allen

My buddy Millar put me onto this first one.  I don’t know if it’s an ad or not but it definitely makes me want to buy a tape measure.

Whenever I think of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, I always think of that Simpson’s Halloween Special.  Not anymore.  Now I’ll only think of Shatner.  This guy is, and always will be, some kind of magical powerhouse.  He’s a sledgehammer wrapped inside a sunset.

85. Throw a Party that has a “Second Wave”

Posted in soirees on February 1, 2010 by Allen

Consider this from the perspective of a guest: you’ve had a great time,  some great conversations, met some cool new people, but now you’re starting to feel a bit tired and you’re thinking of going home.  As you go to grab your jacket there is a knock on the door and a whole new group of people arrives.  This new group is fun, energetic and looking to rip it up.

Then another group arrives, and another.  Maybe you have some friends amidst this second wave, maybe you don’t, but before you realize it it’s three hours later and you’re far drunker then you had planned on getting tonight.

Conclusion:  Best party you’ve been to in months and, of course, the success of the party is reflected upon it’s host.  The only problem now is that your hoarse throat and slurred words make it difficult to communicate with the taxi driver.

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