Archive for May, 2010

111. Walk n’ Read

Posted in skills on May 29, 2010 by Allen

What a fantastic way to multi-task.  The biggest complaint about walking places is that it takes so much time to get there and the biggest complaint about reading is that there just isn’t enough time in the day to do it.  Walking and reading is the solution to both problems.

Granted, this requires a certain amount of concentration and peripheral vision to avoid collisions but the air of intrigue you create as you saunter down the street is pretty awesome.  “Who is that egghead, what are they reading and why is it so much more interesting to them than the world around them?”

It doesn’t really matter where you’re going, if you walk and read you can be sure that whenever you get there at least you’ll be smarter

110. Dunk

Posted in sports, sweet videos on May 25, 2010 by Allen

There is no cooler feat in all of sports then the slam dunk!  In any given NBA arena, 95% of the crowd is almost exclusively there to see someone get posterized.  A well timed dunk can change the course of a game and make everyone forget that a player’s gone 1 for 13 from the field on the night.

When any two  high-school teams square off, the only thing running through each players mind is how many dunkers the opposing team has.  My team had 2; myself and another guy (although I could only do it in warmup.  By the time the game started, my legs were too tired.  Warmup, however, is the most important “intimidation time” because it’s when the other team is watching).

Remember as a kid when you played on your first lowered 7′ hoop?  The moment you took off, feeling for an instant that you could fly, hanging in the air longer then humanly possibly and then throwing down so hard that you couldn’t help but let out a primal scream!  The artistry of Picasso combined with the ferocity of an injured grizzly bear.

P.S.  For your enjoyment, here are a couple or sweet jams:

This next one is, quite possibly, the greatest “in-game” of all time, complete with French commentary:

This last one just rules:

109. Politely Avoid Street-Side Solicitors

Posted in skills on May 20, 2010 by Allen

You know that sinking feeling.  You’re walking down the street, you’re probably late for something, you look up and there they are.

It sucks because you know they’re there for a good reason.  You really should get involved in their cause.  You feel like you ought to at least hear what they have to say.  The problem is that never before has your time felt so limited and valuable.

Your eyes dart across the street, “Maybe if I just cross over to the other side now it won’t look like I’m trying to avoid them.”  But of course, there’s canvassers over there too.  They have created a drift net of social responsibility, and you’re trapped like a dolphin.

So what do you do?  Telling them you don’t have time right now will only make you feel more guilty.  They know you’re lying.

Here are three options to try, use whichever seems most appropriate at the time.

1) Take out your phone and pretend to be in a deep conversation (imagine you’re breaking up with someone)

2) Pretend to suddenly see someone you recognize from years ago further down the street, raise your hand to wave at them, yell out “Hey, Marlene!” and rush right past them.

3) Fake a sneeze attack right into your bare palms and make it seem like you’ve now got snot on your hands.  They won’t approach you now, nobody wants to be near a sick person.

Problem solved.

Talking about History is Cool

Posted in sweet videos on May 16, 2010 by Allen

Talking about history when you’re wrecked on wine, however, is hilarious….for us.

Shout out to my buddy Craig for putting me on to this one.  Written and produced by Derek Waters.  You can see a bunch of other one’s on the Funny or Die website.

108. Go Hunting with your Grandfather

Posted in sports on May 11, 2010 by Allen

Grandfather’s are awesome because they understand the world in a much more direct and uncluttered way.  They don’t care for text messages, online shopping or virtual waiting rooms.  They all come from a time whereby, if you needed something, you went out and took it!  It is for this reason that going hunting with your grandfather can be a profound experience.

Discovering tracks, following a trail, killing and cleaning an animal.  These are all things that come naturally to your grandfather.  While you’re out in the bush, he will regale you with tales of times gone by, each one poignantly finishing with the perfect moral.  You can’t learn this stuff in school.

You don’t necessarily have to go hunting for deer or quail, however.  Simply accompanying him to the hardware store as he hunts for the perfect tool to finish the project he’s working on will be an education.

Note how he surveys his environment using instincts forged over years of experiences, having witnessed firsthand the most rapid and monumental era of change the world has ever known.

See how, at first, he mistrusts the sales staff, but then warms to them as he realizes they share a similar obsession for fine craftsmanship and sturdy instruments.

And, as he walks up to the register, feel that sense of empowerment and pride as he pays with money that he may well have earned 30 years ago.

When you go hunting with your grandfather, you’re not so much seeking as you are conquering!

107. Look Comfortable Holding a Baby

Posted in skills on May 7, 2010 by Allen

It’s going to happen.  You just need to be prepared for it.  At some point this year you’ll end up visiting family or friends who’ve just had a baby.  Invariably you’ll be asked if you want to hold the baby.  Everyone in the room will be so excited and proud so obviously you can’t say no.

A baby is a little bit like a pillow case full of quarters.  The weight distribution is all skewed and unpredictable.  Also, babies are super lazy, they won’t help you out at all.  If in doubt, support the head and the bum (the two most likely weight deposit areas).

And now the moment of truth.  Once in your arms, the baby will do one of two things.  It will either laugh, or it will cry.  If it cries it means you aren’t funny enough, but, if it laughs and you look even remotely comfortable holding it: Gateway to Cool Country.

P.S. Don’t let the baby get too comfortable or it will poop.  Nothing’s worse then feeling that low gurgling rumble against your forearm.  As far as accessories go, Stinky Baby is less cool than Happy Baby.

Honesty in Advertising is Cool

Posted in sweet videos on May 4, 2010 by Allen

What’s up with the chainsaw sequence?

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