Archive for June, 2010

116. Excel at Lawn Sports

Posted in sports on June 27, 2010 by Allen

The solstice has passed and the summer is upon us.  It’s garden party time, and that can mean only one thing: Lawn Sports!

Be it Bocce Ball, Lawn Darts or Croquet, you need to be able to hold your own.  Better yet, you need to dominate.

The truth is, nobody at the party is going to be particularly good at any of these games.  At most, you get one or two chances to play them each summer.  Your competition will be weak, effectively opening the door for a memorable display of grace, style and cold-hearted efficiency.

Your form with each one of these games is just as important as your superiority.  Your balletic, swanlike throws shall be the talk of the backyard, forcing all guests to finish their Pimm’s, put down their cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and golf clap with the elegance and flourish of a Jane Austen novel.

115. Do things “One-Handed”

Posted in skills on June 17, 2010 by Allen

At the very core of this exhibition of awesomeness is dexterity.  The more casual you can be about it all, however, the cooler you’ll appear.  Like most things in life, the less attention you draw to it, the more amazing it will be.  Let your friends be all, “Whoa, did you just flip that pancake with one hand!?”, to which you respond, “Uh, yeah, I guess.  That’s how I always do it.”

Shuffling a deck of cards, peeling an orange, catching an impossible over-the-shoulder touchdown, these are all simple activities, made cooler, when done one-handed.  Look, cool people are so busy doing cool things that they simply don’t have time to use both hands.

Cool way to Extract a Tooth

Posted in sweet videos on June 14, 2010 by Allen

114. Find the Perfect Place to Watch the Game

Posted in spaces on June 12, 2010 by Allen

With so many awesome sporting events already this year, the pressure to find the perfect viewing location has never been higher.

Unfortunately, to do this properly, you really need to plan.   The last thing you want is to be anxiously searching 5 minutes before the game, praying there will be space.

So what will this perfect spot look like?  There will be at least one large, flat screen Hd TV.  There will be an ample variety of food and drink which can be obtained within minutes of your arrival, comfortable seating, all arranged facing the television, treating it like the idol that it is, and, most importantly, there will be a critical mass of people in the room (at least 15 in a bar setting), all fiercely engrossed in the game, so as to leave no doubt that this place is a place of sport.

And what if the waitress tries to keep the music on in the bar because, “The manager doesn’t want to disturb the other patrons who aren’t watching”?  Well, you simply need to tell her that, “Catching the game is one of the most sacred communal events our culture still has,” and then ask,”Why do you hate your community so much?”  But of course, if this kind of nonsense is going down, you really shouldn’t have chosen this place to begin with.

113. Conceal your “Swivel Head”

Posted in skills on June 7, 2010 by Allen

There are a lot of attractive people walking down your street right now.  These people should be stared at.  The challenge is to do it gracefully.

First of all, let’s clarify the two types of ogling.  There are times when you don’t want to be caught, and there are times when you do.  Many beautiful relationships and restraining orders have come as a result of blatant staring.  If that’s part of your game, lech away.

There are, however, many times when being caught rubbernecking just won’t do.  Maybe you’re with your significant other.  Maybe you’re with your mom.  Maybe you just want to try being subtle for a change.  Whatever your reasons, there are a few techniques that can help to satisfy your hungry eyes.

When you’re in a car:  Rear view mirrors.  Too easy.  That’s what they’re there for.

When at the beach:  Sunglasses.  No one can see your eyes.

When walking along the street:  Storefront windows.  Reflections make fantastic cover.

When you need to turn around to check the backside:  Drop something.  Magicians call this technique “misdirection”.  Whoever you’re with will be distracted enough not to notice your stares whilst the hubbub of picking up your items will allow you all the diversion you need to do a 180 and drink it all in.

Remember, a good long leer can brighten your day.  It’s what the summer’s all about.

112. Cook an Extra Steak

Posted in stuff on June 2, 2010 by Allen

Here’s the math: If 6 people are eating, make 7 steaks.

Why?  Simple.  What happens when that 7th, unexpected guest shows up?  You know they will.  Someone’s friend will have tagged along or a neighbor pops over.  You can then say to that unforeseen 7th, “Hey Derek, you want some food?”  To which he’ll respond, “Oh, no, that’s ok, I don’t want to impose.  You guys are all set up here.”  You then reply with the coolest thing that can be said at a summertime barbeque, “Don’t worry about it, I made an extra steak!”

This 7th guest is now indebted to you forever, or until he makes you a steak, whichever comes first.

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