Archive for December, 2010

137. Just Eat at the Party

Posted in soirees on December 26, 2010 by Allen

Nothing is more frustrating than having a big meal before going out for the night only to realize, once you get to the party, that you’re too full to enjoy any of the spread.  Proper food planning is essential in order for you to get the most out of your seasonal holiday parties.

First of all, eating dinner before going out is just wasted time.  Cool people are so busy doing cool things and making the world a cooler place that taking time out for a meal is rarely an option.

Secondly, everyting you need is already at the party.  Most spreads will include the five essential food groups:  vegetables, cheese, pastries, crab cakes and chocolate desserts.

Finally, it’s impolite not to graze on the food your host has laid out.  If they’ve gone to all the trouble to microwave those little sausage rolls from Costco, the most gracious thing you can do is to jam a bunch of them in your mouth.  It’s common courtesy.

136. “Cut One” Privately

Posted in stuff on December 9, 2010 by Allen

This one sort of sucks because, if you do it properly, nobody will actually know you’ve done it.  But that’s sorta the point.

Look, the Cool are judged just as much for what they don’t do as for what they do.  Without getting too “medical” here, just remember that the next time you’re hanging out with your friends and you feel a bit of gaseous pressure building up, go for a little walk into the kitchen where you can safely let nature run it’s course.  Hell, while you’re there, offer to grab someone a drink.  You’ve just doubled your cool.

There really is no classier way to fart.

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