How You Can Be Cool

Remember when you were a kid and you’d race your friend home from school?  Unless you knew at least two or three shortcuts along the way, you didn’t stand a chance.

It’s not just about getting places more quickly, it’s also about getting places more sneakily.  The true joy of the shortcut, however, comes from revealing it at the last possible second.  Whether you’re on a road trip with friends, competing in a gumball rally  across the country or running from ghosts in a haunted castle, you’re sure to be a hero when you suddenly yell out, “Guys, we’re going this way.  I know a shortcut!”

Look, people will tell you to, “Slow down. Life’s not a race, it’s a marathon.”  Those people don’t know any shortcuts.

With so many awesome sporting events already this year, the pressure to find the perfect viewing location has never been higher.

Unfortunately, to do this properly, you really need to plan.   The last thing you want is to be anxiously searching 5 minutes before the game, praying there will be space.

So what will this perfect spot look like?  There will be at least one large, flat screen Hd TV.  There will be an ample variety of food and drink which can be obtained within minutes of your arrival, comfortable seating, all arranged facing the television, treating it like the idol that it is, and, most importantly, there will be a critical mass of people in the room (at least 15 in a bar setting), all fiercely engrossed in the game, so as to leave no doubt that this place is a place of sport.

And what if the waitress tries to keep the music on in the bar because, “The manager doesn’t want to disturb the other patrons who aren’t watching”?  Well, you simply need to tell her that, “Catching the game is one of the most sacred communal events our culture still has,” and then ask,”Why do you hate your community so much?”  But of course, if this kind of nonsense is going down, you really shouldn’t have chosen this place to begin with.

A man cave should be a sanctuary into which any man can retreat with his friends and escape the harsh realities of the world.  Like in a Las Vegas Casino, time will cease to exist and guests  won’t ever want to leave.

A good man cave should have as many of the following as possible:  an enormous flat screen HD T.V., video game system, plush sofas, a dart board, a fully stocked bar, a pool table, a computer, a hot tub, sports memorabilia, some miscellaneous free weights lying around, some musical instruments, a cool wall display of mint condition vintage Nikes and a stripper pole.

The female version of a man cave is called a lady lounge. It should have a deep bath tub, lot’s of big pillows, wine and champagne on ice, chocolate, crackers and brie, a walk-in closet full of fashionable “dress-up” things, at least one enormous floor to ceiling mirror and one of those huge chairs from the airport that gives you a massage……..and a stripper pole.

There’s one in every office building, school and sports arena.  You just have to find it!

Let’s face it, sometimes you really need the privacy that a public toilet cannot afford.  The secret washroom is always cleaner and quieter than anything else you’ll find in the building.  It will be your sanctuary, your Bat-Cave.  Frankly, it’s just nice to be able to disappear for 20 minutes in the middle of the day.

Others will try to get you to give up it’s location.  Remember, the secret washroom is much like your old make-out spot, a good fishing hole or Thailand.  The more people who go there, the crappier it becomes.