And be humble about it.
Archive for the sports Category
My buddy, Simon, posted an ad in the free section on craigslist that went, “Giving away my entire Playboy Magazine collection, (every issue, 1978-present). Getting married and my fiance’s not cool with me having them. She says it’s kind of a dealbreaker. Gonna be with my girl tonight so please text me, no phone calls” At the end of the ad he put his friend’s name and phone number.
He then went and played poker with that same friend and giggled the night away as his buddy received 25 texts within an hour with messages like, “That sucks, man, getting married’s tough. I’ll take your porn”.
Among other things, a good prank can be a classy way to throw someone off their poker game.
The great thing about really getting into a European sport is that, if you really want to, you’ll never miss a game. The time difference allows you to get up at 4:30 am to watch the end of that Cycling race or to take in that Cricket tie.
Perhaps the single greatest benefit of really getting into a European sport is that it now allows you to wear colourful football scarves indoors and memorize fan chants like Dirty Northern Bastards and Posh Spice is a Slapper.
Kids are awesome because they’re so emotional and they get so into things. They haven’t developed that cold, rational detachment that allows us adults to wander around, numbly unaffected. As such, it is our duty to give these kids a thrilling emotional ride whilst they’re still young enough to enjoy it.
Next time you go to the track, bring your little niece or nephew with you. Ask them which horse they like the most and the go up and place a little $2 bet for them. Watch with delight as they scream and cry, willing their horse to finish first. Then, when the it does win, bask in that child’s grateful gaze as you hand them their winnings (minus your broker’s fee, of course).
In a kid’s world, $25 buys a lot of slurpees.
Pool is easily one of the coolest games around. The best players are called “sharks”, if a shot’s too difficult you can use a “ladies aid” and, if your opponent screws up, you get to go “ball-in-hand”.
The problem with pool, as with most games of skill, is that it takes years to master. Who’s got that kind of time? Fortunately, all you really need to do is to perfect one single skill. All you need is a mighty break!
The thunderous CRACK of the cue ball will draw the attention of the entire bar. The balls madly dispersing around the table top, like scattering cockroaches on a kitchen floor when the light goes on, will mesmerize the onlookers. The dull thud of ball after ball falling into pocket after pocket and the eruption of applause that will inevitably follow all serve to make the break the single most important shot of the game.
It’s all about intimidation. It doesn’t really matter how you play after this moment. Once you’ve gotten into your opponent’s head with the ball explosion of a mighty break, you’ve already won. You are now the Great White, and you smell blood in the water.
The truth is, nobody at the party is going to be particularly good at any of these games. At most, you get one or two chances to play them each summer. Your competition will be weak, effectively opening the door for a memorable display of grace, style and cold-hearted efficiency.
Your form with each one of these games is just as important as your superiority. Your balletic, swanlike throws shall be the talk of the backyard, forcing all guests to finish their Pimm’s, put down their cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and golf clap with the elegance and flourish of a Jane Austen novel.
There is no cooler feat in all of sports then the slam dunk! In any given NBA arena, 95% of the crowd is almost exclusively there to see someone get posterized. A well timed dunk can change the course of a game and make everyone forget that a player’s gone 1 for 13 from the field on the night.
When any two high-school teams square off, the only thing running through each players mind is how many dunkers the opposing team has. My team had 2; myself and another guy (although I could only do it in warmup. By the time the game started, my legs were too tired. Warmup, however, is the most important “intimidation time” because it’s when the other team is watching).
Remember as a kid when you played on your first lowered 7′ hoop? The moment you took off, feeling for an instant that you could fly, hanging in the air longer then humanly possibly and then throwing down so hard that you couldn’t help but let out a primal scream! The artistry of Picasso combined with the ferocity of an injured grizzly bear.
P.S. For your enjoyment, here are a couple or sweet jams:
This next one is, quite possibly, the greatest “in-game” of all time, complete with French commentary:
This last one just rules: