Archive for the statements Category

86. Trash Talk your Friends

Posted in statements on February 6, 2010 by Allen

The whole point of talking trash with your friends is to make life more fun and, we can all agree, those who make life more fun are invariably cool.  Here’s how it works:

Whenever you find yourself in a genial competitive situation with one of your chums, start jawin’.  What you’re effectively doing is raising the stakes of the situation making it more important for both parties involved.  It’s friendly gambling.  Your currency is pride.  When both of you have a vested interest in the outcome, the glory for the winner is that much sweeter and bitterness of defeat is that much less palatable.

Here’s the key:  You have to lose half the time.  Your friends will get enormous pleasure out of making you eat your words and you’ll smile to yourself, knowing you orchestrated the whole thing, giving them this shinning moment of triumph and turning your friendship into a thrilling, edge of your seat dual that stokes your respective competitive spirits while teaching you both valuable lessons in sportsmanship and humility.

Yo Mama!


80. Point at your “Junk” when you go through the Full-Body Scanner at the Airport

Posted in statements on January 14, 2010 by Allen

The next level of security is about to hit Canadian airports and word is these full-body scanners leave nothing to the imagination.

Putting aside the moral debate of whether or not some random security guard has the right to see every man, woman and child who walks through their check-point completely nude, it’s important to realize that when going through the scanner you should point towards your crotch for these three reasons:

1)  This has gotta be uncomfortable for the guard as well.  By “pointing out” the awkwardness of the situation you are making everyone just a little bit less tense.

2)  It’s a friendly reminder of how sterile these x-ray machines are surely making you.

3) The guard can see everything.  Might as well flaunt it.

P.S.:  Supposedly, if you feel this is too invasive, you can choose to get a “pat down” instead.  I think you should get to do both.  Isn’t that the usual order of things?  See someone naked, then feel them up.

68. Propose a Toast

Posted in statements on November 21, 2009 by Allen

It doesn’t matter how ridiculous it is, if you propose a toast, social convention dictates that everyone stop what they’re doing, listen intently and drink in the name of whatever insane premise you’ve put forth.  By doing so, everyone is publicly agreeing with you.  Now that’s power.

Here’s the catch, you need to be the first person to propose the toast.  There is a slight decrease in the status of everyone else who failed to recognize the momentousness of the occasion.  Their lose is your gain.

So, whether you’re a grandchild toasting Grandpa’s 90th birthday, a Maid of Honor toasting the Bride or a Super Villain toasting to world domination, raise your glass and bathe in the cool.

66. Have an Accent

Posted in statements on November 11, 2009 by Allen

james_bond__pierce__208750gForeign things are cooler then domestic things and the accent is the most delicious indicator of the foreign mystique.

We love accents.  We love trying to place accents.  When we hear one, it can be intoxicating.  If someone with an accent asks us to do something we’re far more inclined to want to do it.  Partly it’s because we’re hypnotized by the strange rhythms and tones of their voice and partly because we want to give this foreigner a good impression of our city and country.

The good news is, accents can be faked.  Try adding a slight British pip to your words, or maybe a hint of French je ne sais quois.  You’ll be surprised how far it’ll get you.  Arnold Schwarzenegger has had plenty of time to lose his accent but he’s chosen to keep it because he knows how persuasive it can be.  An entire state made him their leader because he sounds like a cartoon.

61. Tell a Terrifying Ghost Story

Posted in statements on October 22, 2009 by Allen

haunted house wallpaper1We spend all day suppressing our emotions and hiding how we feel that there’s something wonderfully cathartic about letting it all out with a good scare.  We love to be terrified.  Two of the most popular things in the world are roller coasters and horror films (note: a horror film set on a roller coaster is a license to print money).

Armed with this knowledge, it is obvious you need to have a killer ghost story in your tool belt.  Whether it’s told by candle light during a power failure or by campfire light during a corporate retreat, if your story is bone chilling enough, people will be emotionally roused.  Emotional arousal is proof of cool.

(note:  Try having a funny ending to your story.  Lead your audience down a terrifying path only to let them off the hook with a hilarious conclusion.  This has the effect of eliciting two emotions.  First you freeze the heart with horror  and then you use comedy to start it right back up again.  It’s almost too easy.)

55. Flip Someone the Bird

Posted in statements on September 29, 2009 by Allen

kid-flipping-birdThe ol’ Finger Salute is awesome because it is always done in one of two spirits, both of which are cool:

1. The spirit of irony and fun.  You recognize it’s hilarity and are employing it for the sake of comedy.  You’ll often deliver this through the windshield of your car towards a friend as you pick them up or drop them off.  It’s a friendly greeting.   

2. The spirit of sincere anger and malice.  You’re so overcome by rage that you have no other recourse but to resort to a ridiculous hand gesture.  You’ll often deliver this through the windshield of your car towards a fellow motorist when merely swearing at them just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  

Regardless of your intention, it’s cool because you’ve chosen to focus all your emotion into the tip of your middle finger.  And hey, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as letting someone know they’re Number #1.

42. Throw Your Panties On-Stage

Posted in statements on August 17, 2009 by Allen

222349617_2554fde901A friend told me yesterday that she always brings an extra pair to concerts in case the band rocks her into such a delirium that she’s moved to throw her panties at their feet.  Being prepared just makes good sense.

If the elastic isn’t springy enough you can wrap them around an ice cube from your soda in order to add a bit of weight and get maximum distance.

Ladies, it’s time to Tom Jones up the place.

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