How You Can Be Cool

This is as much common courtesy as anything else, but, it’s disheartening how few people abide by the rule.

Really, it applies for everything: movie theatre seats, the bus, lineups. The more cramped you are, the harder it is to look cool. It’s all about perspective. You want to allow others a certain amount of distance so that they can properly take you in.

Remember, it’s the space in between where the magic really happens.

If you carry around a novelty photograph of yourself, it means:

a) You are carefree, confident, and have a sense of humour, and b) You are dedicated enough to see a project through to it’s completion, regardless of how ridiculous it may seem.

Ask any woman to make a top ten list of things she looks for in a partner and, dollars to donuts, those traits will be on there.  Those aren’t, however, the coolest reason to orchestrate a novelty photograph.

You: “Hey, wanna see a cool picture?”

Your buddy: “Sure…… Ah, sweet, that’s awesome……wait, is that you??!!”

You: “Yup”

Your buddy: “Ha ha ha, that’s rad, I want one!!”

And there it is; sometimes it’s cool just to be envied.

Sporty, adventurous, prepared.  Whenever you come across a pair of ski goggles hangin’ from somebody’s rearview you can safely assume that:

a) This person goes up the mountain so often he doesn’t even have time to take his gear out of his car.

b) This guy anticipates driving in such blindingly bright and insanely snowy conditions that it would be dangerous for him not to have ski goggles on at all times.

Both of those scenarios are pretty cool.

If you’re on the guest list, it means one of two things: you’re friends with someone important or you’re important yourself.

Being on the guest list is awesome because the very act of checking that you’re  on the list is it’s own little emotional roller coaster.  Note how your heart leaps into your throat as the doorman flips the page over, back and forth, slowly scanning for your name…. Embrace the adrenaline rush of fear as you start to think that, “Maybe, this time, I’m not on there”.

Feel the explosion of victory as the doorman eventually does find your name and lets you in ahead of the line, confirming irrefutably that you are indeed a cool person and far more important than all those other peasants standing outside.

There are two types of people in the world: those with extra beers and those who “bum” beers.  Obviously you want to be the former.

Every now and then, you’ll find yourself in need, and that’s ok.  You just don’t want to make a habit of it.  There’s nothing cooler than being able to say, “You need a beer?  Grab one of the Red Racers in the fridge, those are mine”.

Robin Hood, Jesus and Napster were super cool because they shared everything.  You should too.

For this example, let’s call that stranger, Steven.

Steven is at a busy intersection in his ’92 Honda Accord, waiting to make a left hand turn.  He sees his opening and presses on the gas only to feel his once trusty engine sputter and die at the worst possible moment.

Steven swears at the top of his lungs, for a moment almost drowning out the crescendo of angry horns from irate drivers all around him.  He slams the car into neutral, opens his driver door, and laboriously tries to push and steer his car to the side of the road.

Suddenly, the car seems light!  Steven turns around and sees you pushing on the back, easily helping to guide the Accord through the intersection and safely off to the curb.  Gratefully, Steven turns back again only to see you give him one of your patented No Need to Thank Me waves as you disappear back into the hustle and bustle of the city.

Steven is left wondering, “Who was that, anyway?  Where did they come from?  Were they some kind of angel?”

The answers to those three questions are:  1) You,  2)  just walking along the sidewalk, and…  3) Yes.

This is not so much a “cool” thing to do as it is a “fun” thing to do.  Cool people do fun things, however, so it counts.

Currently I have a neighbour living downstairs who is a hit-man for the mob, the guy at my local coffee shop is a world famous house DJ and the woman across the street is a member of the Swazi Royal Family now living in exile.

Sadly, I recently discovered that the mob hit-man is actually a Youth and Family Worker at a local elementary school.  This brings up an important rule: under NO circumstances should you allow yourself to find out what these people really do.  Once the illusion is shattered, you can never get it back.

This one sort of sucks because, if you do it properly, nobody will actually know you’ve done it.  But that’s sorta the point.

Look, the Cool are judged just as much for what they don’t do as for what they do.  Without getting too “medical” here, just remember that the next time you’re hanging out with your friends and you feel a bit of gaseous pressure building up, go for a little walk into the kitchen where you can safely let nature run it’s course.  Hell, while you’re there, offer to grab someone a drink.  You’ve just doubled your cool.

There really is no classier way to fart.

Whether your van skids over the edge of a snowy mountain cliff (happened to me), you are briefly kidnapped whilst hitchhiking (happened to my mom)  or you’re chased by a grizzly bear across a meadow while tree planting (happened to my old roommate),  tales of cheating death are always the most compelling and therefore, the most cool.

These events shape us not only because they  give us awesome stories to drop at parties, but also because they provide us with a sort of  transcendent religious experience coupled with a super badass adrenaline rush.

There is nothing more exhilarating then staring death square in the face and saying, “No thanks, not today!”

We’re at the summer midpoint and by now everyone should have a pretty good playlist of bumpin’ summertime beats.  Having at least one kickass summer album is important because it sonically epitomizes the blissfulness of the season.  It is the Soundtrack to the Sunshine.

What makes this particularly cool is, if after you discover the album, that you share it with your friends.  The gift of music and good-times, a fine gift indeed.  There is no greater feeling then having your buddy roll up to your apartment on his bike, blasting the very music you gave him only the day before out of some crazy speaker contraption he’s set up on his handle bars.

P.S.: In my opinion, the Album of the Summer of 2010 is easily Mos Dub.  I have been playing this non-stop ever since finding it on the London Mewsings blog.  Music to strut to.

Dogs are so sweet.  Loyalty, security and playfulness, all wrapped up in a slobbering bag of fur.

The benefits of owning a dog are countless.  They’re an easy way to meet people, they prove that you can tend to living things, and they take care of any food you spill on the ground.

Small dogs can be cute but big dogs are the raddest.  The general rule of thumb is: The bigger the poop, the cooler the dog.

My cousin and her boyfriend rescued a mangy dog on the beach in Mexico.  He had a limp and only responded to Spanish commands.  They decided to keep him.  Whilst driving back into the States, my cousin’s boyfriend was denied entry (he’s Australian with an Irish passport and a big black beard.  I wouldn’t turn my back on him either) but the dog was fine.  Why?  Because dogs are awesome, that’s why!

Smoking is kind of gross, however, smoking a pipe is kind of awesome.  If you’re a hot chick smoking a pipe, well that’s just straight up badass.

No longer solely the domain of 1950’s sitcom dads or eccentric Victorian Era detectives, pipe smoking has gone through a bit of a revival of late.  It’s classy, composed, and civilized.  When’s it’s smoked by a woman, it goes way beyond “hipster” and into a whole new realm of rad.

Sure, it’s a more involved process, but that sacred ritual of preparing to smoke, crescendoing in the mighty striking of the match, is one part function, one part spectacle and all parts cool.

The Game is Afoot!!!

There are several ways to do this including, but not limited to:  Being a hot chick, wearing a ridiculous costume, having a massive emotional reaction to the game, running onto the field, proposing marriage to someone and/or making out with them, attacking the mascot, being a kid in a hat that’s two sizes too big.  Put any of these in combination and you’re golden.

Your reward is instant stadium celebrity.  If you make it onto the Jumbotron at a major sporting event you need to realize that you have been given a gift.  What you do with that gift, however, is up to you.

Do’s:  Look cool about it, as if you expected to eventually be up there.  Give a head-nod or wink, acknowledging the crowd and thanking the Jumbotron operators for “getting it right” this time.

Don’ts:  Be sitting still and then suddenly go all crazy and manic when you notice you’re up there.  Swivel your head around, while keeping your eyes locked on the big screen in convulsive attempt to locate the camera that’s filming you so you can stare into it directly.  Anxiously grab the friend beside you in attempt to drag them into your madness.

Getting on the Jumbotron is a very polarizing moment.  What you do when you get there will either send you down the path of cool or he path of spaz.  Let’s make good choices out there, sports-fans.

Here’s the math: If 6 people are eating, make 7 steaks.

Why?  Simple.  What happens when that 7th, unexpected guest shows up?  You know they will.  Someone’s friend will have tagged along or a neighbor pops over.  You can then say to that unforeseen 7th, “Hey Derek, you want some food?”  To which he’ll respond, “Oh, no, that’s ok, I don’t want to impose.  You guys are all set up here.”  You then reply with the coolest thing that can be said at a summertime barbeque, “Don’t worry about it, I made an extra steak!”

This 7th guest is now indebted to you forever, or until he makes you a steak, whichever comes first.

There is a beautiful sense of relief and accomplishment whenever you finish a long-term project, but few projects carry with it the same feeling of freedom and opportunity as finishing school.  Be it University, high-school or swimming lessons, that last day of class is super sweet.  You now carry with you the knowledge and power that your hard work has earned you and you move straight in to relaxin’ mode.

In my second year at University I finished all my exams a week and a half before everyone else but still hung out on campus soaking up the good life.  Those ten days or so of freedom before I had to move back home and get a summer job for May were some pretty cool days.  Nowhere to be with all the time in the world to get there.  So good.

Having money has nothing to do with being cool.  They way you dress your money up, however, can be.

The money clip is one of the best ways you can accessorize your cash.  The beautiful irony is that by using one you are essentially saving money by not having to buy a wallet, thus having more money to fill your clip.

A good money clip does for geenbacks what a flask does for booze; it gives it a hardcore cool.  It’s breezy, light and efficient.  It’s the baller way of saying, “Keep the change”.

In honor of the 100th way to be cool, a checklist has been compiled for your fridge.

Take, say, 3 months.  See how many you can check off.  You’ll need to read the post for a few of them (ie. Litter with Respect), just to make sure you’re doing them right, but others, like Flip-Flops, All the Time, are pretty self-explanatory.

Download your How You Can Be Cool First 100 Ways Refrigerator checklist here.