Archive for the style Category

164. Rock a Walking Boot

Posted in style on August 14, 2012 by Allen

Remember how cool it was back in grade 3 when you broke your foot?  You’d get a rad cast that everybody could sign and draw pictures on. Sure, you’d get super itchy, you couldn’t do anything fun, and you had to shower with a garbage bag tied over your leg, but you always had a seat on the bus and you’d get crazy attention from girls.

Welcome to leg cast 2.0: The Mighty Walking Boot!!  You still get all kinds of sympathy but now your pimp walk is justified. They come in a fashionable range of colors, from microwave white to cyborg black

162. Create a Playlist for Every New City You Visit

Posted in style on March 18, 2012 by Allen

Every city has it’s own unique rhythm and personality. Accordingly, before you visit, you should prepare a playlist that both compliments and enhances the visiting experience.

This is not to say that you should wander around with your headphones on the whole time, drowning out the city sounds.  Give yourself a day or two to soak in the local soundscape and become familiar with the traffic patterns. Once you’ve gotten a taste, it’s time to turn on your ipod and realize that you are in a movie, you are the hero, and this is your soundtrack.

PS: On a recent trip to London I spent a lot of time listening to the Miike Snow Album (Deluxe Edition). It was pretty rad.

158. Slide Down Bannisters

Posted in style on October 16, 2011 by Allen

Going up the stairs is a chore but going down can be an adventure.  When choosing the best method to get down to the main floor, ask yourself these three questions:  Is it the fastest route?  Is it the most fun?  Is it the most dangerous?  If your answer is “yes” to all three of these questions, you know you’re doing the right thing.

Nothing screams youthful and carefree quite as succinctly as sliding down your mansion’s staircase bannister.  It’s like parkour for millionaires.

153. Nap Outside

Posted in style on August 8, 2011 by Allen

This is what hobos, backpackers and poolside celebrities have in common.

Napping outside is awesome because: The air you breath is fuller, the smells you take in are lusher, and the sounds that swirl around your ears are crazier and more varied than anything you can find inside.  All this leads to crazier dreams, ergo, a more satisfying sleeping experience.

Napping outside is cool because: By allowing yourself to loose consciousness outside, you are effectively declaring to strangers passing by that, “Hey, I know you’re NOT going to rob me,” you are stating to your friends that, “Hey, I’m certain that you guys AREN’T going to draw anything weird on my face or put shaving cream in my hand,” and you are affirming to the sun that, “Hey, I know damn well that you WON’T change positions and burn me while I sleep!”  It is the ultimate expression confidence and trust, and that’s pretty cool.

152. Smell Faintly of Suntan Lotion

Posted in style on July 25, 2011 by Allen

If I walk past you and I catch a whiff of suntan lotion, I will automatically assume the following:

You had the day off.  You’ve spent most of it outside.  You were probably at the beach.  You were surrounded all day by beautiful people frolicking in their bathing suits while gazing out towards a picturesque ocean horizon.  At some point, a bikini model (or fireman, depending on your preference) probably came up to you and asked if you’d join their volleyball team for the tournament that afternoon, they needed a fifth.  Inspired by their new player, your volleyball team thundered all the way to the final against the evil Lifeguards.  Everyone at the beach came over to watch and cheer as you gloriously dug, set and spiked your way to victory!!!  Giddy on the high of triumph, the bikini model/fireman asked if “Maybe you want to hang out some time?”.  You calmly said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Suntan lotion: It’s the scent that tells the story.

150. Bust a Lean

Posted in style with tags , on July 1, 2011 by Allen

Whether it’s up against a graffitied wall, a lamp poll or a hitching post, nothing says “just hanging out” like a good lean.

A well executed lean is the coolster’s way of telling the world that, “Hey, I spend most of my day doing cool things with other cool people but, if it’s alright with everyone, I’m just going to take a break right now”.  The quintessential expression of standing casual.

149. Arrive by Helicopter

Posted in style with tags , on June 16, 2011 by Allen

Imagine this:  The Villa party is in full swing.  Three people have already wound up in the pool in their clothes.  Suddenly the DJ’s set is drowned out by the rhythmical “thumpa, thumpa, thumpa” of an approaching whirlybird, the crowd turns to watch it touch down in the open field next to the guest house and the snake-skin boot wearing passenger steps out of the cockpit and onto the lawn.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you make an entrance.

No longer just for cocaine barons and paramedics, the helicopter truly is the most badass way to arrive at places, having narrowly beat out arriving by hovercraft or by elephant convoy in this year’s poll.

139. Develop a Good “Photo Face”

Posted in style on January 19, 2011 by Allen

This does not mean “be good looking” or “have a nice smile”.  You’re going to get your photo taken hundreds of times this year.  You can’t be all smiley and happy in every shot, it reads as forced.  Likewise, you can’t always throw out a coquettish, sexy look all the time, it’s just not appropriate for a family Christmas card.

What you’re going to need to develop is a repeatable, non-committal facial expression that says “I’m having fun and I’m happy to be here”.  Generally, this expression  falls into the category of funny or surprised without being overly ridiculous.  It’s great for  when you want to stand out in a group.

The fact is, when somebody yells out, “Say cheeze!” it’s much easier to hold your “photo face” than it is to hold a phony smile.

Vincent Van Gogh painted many self portraits in a variety of different styles throughout his career.  As you experiment with your “photo face”, exploring it’s various subtleties and nuances with every pic, think of yourself as the Vincent Van Gogh of the Nikon Age.

138. Carry a Flask

Posted in style on January 2, 2011 by Allen

Straight out of the Golden Age of Drinking, nothing evokes images of prohibition, speakeasies and flapper girls quite like breaking out that little metal container full of hooch.

Perfect for dinner parties, movie theaters or just wandering around the mall.  It’s hobo chic.  It adds an element of class and dignity to your brazen public drinking.

Perhaps the greatest delight of the flask comes from passing it to someone else.  See the excitement and anticipation in their eyes as they bring it to their lips.  It is the thrill of mystery booze that does it.  Until it’s actually in their mouth, there is no way for them to truly know what they’re about to drink.

134. Go Places in a Limo

Posted in style on November 4, 2010 by Allen

Comfortable spacious seating, fully stocked bar, tinted windows that block out the prying eyes of the riff raff.  There really is no better way to get around.  This is something that presidents, super villains and millionaire playboys have known for a long time.

The beautiful thing about rolling in a limousine, however, is that it also essentially gives you the right to blare music and demand attention.  The basic assumption of those outside the car is that those inside are having the time of their lives.  You owe it to those outsiders to live up to their expectations.  This is why grade 12 girls insist on standing out  the sun roof on grad night.  Cuz it’s awesome!

This is great news.  If some irate mobster sends a limo around to pick you up and take you on “one last ride”, you can rest easy knowing that at least you’re going out in style:

Jimmy Hoffa: So, where are we going?

Mobster: Giants Stadium.

Jimmy Hoffa: Awesome!  Mind if I pour myself a drink?

 

131. Have a Stylish Signature

Posted in style on October 3, 2010 by Allen

There’s a reason why we ask movie stars for their autograph and it’s not just for the thrill of a brush with celebrity.  We want to see what kind of “mark” these people leave.

A good signature should not look like your normal handwriting.  It should have grace, panache and be slightly illegible.

Underlines, flourishes, little drawn caricatures; these are all welcome.  Whether you’re an athlete who also jots down his uniform number or  you’re a nine year old girl who dots her “i’s” with hearts and flowers, the point is, you want to stand out. The harder it is for someone else to duplicate, the cooler it is.

Think of your signature as art.  It’s your own little piece of ball-point graffiti.

127. Put Horns on the Hood of your Car

Posted in style on September 7, 2010 by Allen

It happened very subtly and many of them didn’t even realize what they were doing.  Plaid shirts, tight jeans, glorious moustaches.  Hipster cool was really just the harbinger of a beautiful Redneck Renaissance!  The next logical style progression, of course, is hood horns.

Nothing says, “I own you, Nature”, like displaying your hunting trophies right there on the front of your whip.  Put on some CCR, grab a screw driver and some hood mounts, and turn that Jetta into something Boss Hogg would be proud of.  The only real danger is spearing yourself when you go to check the oil.

Now, if you want to double up your car’s badass quotient, add the horns and then start driving around at night with only one headlight. That is a car you don’t want to mess with.

98. Flash An Intriguing Underwear Band

Posted in style on March 27, 2010 by Allen

Catching a glimpse of an intriguing underwear band is like seeing a beautiful marlin leap magnificently out of the water and then disappear again beneath the waves.  You continue to gaze longingly at the spot where you last saw it, desperately hoping to catch another eyeful, secretly wondering if you actually saw what you thought you saw, while at the same time not wanting to look for too long for fear of being caught foolishly staring.

For the wearers of the mysterious underwear band, the  basic rules are twofold:

#1. The band should be eye-catching.  Unique color schemes,  lettering and textures.

#2. It’s gotta be subtle!  We’re talking just the slightest hint here, the very top of the band above the jeans, nothing more.  You should allow it to be visible only for a moment.  Unless you’re Marky Mark or a Las Vegas hooker, as the rhyme goes, “breaking this rule will make you look like a tool”.

Whenever we are talking about underwear we begin to venture into the realm of “sexy”.  Now,” sexy” and “cool” are not directly related, but they’re in the same neighborhood and  live, at most, just a couple of doors down from each other.

79. Driving Gloves

Posted in style on January 10, 2010 by Allen

Speed, control, action, power.  These are the words that float through your friend’s mind as he watches you slip your driving gloves over your hands and slide behind the wheel of your car.  You may only be going down the road to pick up some sandwiches, but clearly you mean business.

Made famous by Formula 1 racers and Action Movie Stars, driving gloves are the ultimate automobile accessory.   With their sleek yet sturdy design, they are as cool as they are functional.  The trick is to always wear them when you drive and to never address the fact that you are wearing them.  Putting them on should become as habitual as checking your mirrors.

So whether you’re Steve McQueen, Speed Racer or Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club, driving gloves give you a whole different kind of cool.  Much like sunglasses, headbands and wallet chains, you don’t actually need to wear them, but you look more badass when you do.

71. Have a Scar

Posted in style on December 5, 2009 by Allen

Scars are awesome because they give you crazy amounts of character.  They’re not necessarily pretty, but since when has being beautiful ever had anything to do with being cool?

Every scar is shrouded in mystery.  When we see one, our minds beg to know, “how did that happen”?  The answer could be hilarious, tragic, or anything in between, but only the bearer of the scar knows the truth.

I have a scar on my shoulder from a motor boat propeller that I got while snorkeling in Thailand.  It’s one of the most hardcore stories I have and whenever someone notices my scar, I get to tell it.

It is a completely unique way of physically remembering a significant moment in your life.   It perfectly decorates your skin and no two are exactly alike.  The scar has truly earned the title of nature’s tattoo.

63. Do NOT Wear your Sunglasses Behind your Head

Posted in style on October 29, 2009 by Allen

backwardsunglassesHook them to the front of your shirt, slide them onto your forehead, leave them in your car.  Wearing your sunglasses behind your head makes you look like a tool.  If they slip off are you planning to catch them behind your back like some kind of juggler?

It’s almost as bad as wearing your bluetooth headset everywhere you go.  The two marks of the douche-bag.

back-sunglasses

62. Make the Perfect Halloween Costume

Posted in style on October 25, 2009 by Allen

SudokuThesis Statement:  Costumes should be both CREATIVE and RECOGNIZABLE.

There’s a lot of pressure each year in trying to come up with the right Halloween costume.  It’s usually last minute, you’d prefer not to have to buy anything, and it has to be awesome.  At the very least you have to out-do what you did the year before.

Last Halloween, I crushed it.  My Sudoku costume took about an hour to make, cost $5 in materials and literally “took names” as it “kicked ass”.  As people did the puzzle throughout the evening they left their signature giving me a hilarious signed postcard of the night.

Two Halloweens ago, I failed.  My buddy went as Ali G and I went as a Red Herring.  That’s right, I went as a “literary device used in mystery stories to fool the reader and build suspense”.  Throughout the night his costume was easily understood and made people happy.  My costume did the exact opposite.

Conclusion:  Trying to be too clever is selfish.  If people are forced to think when they are binge drinking they will resent you.  Costumes should be graded on how easily they open up conversations with strangers.  That is their function.  Let them do their job.  It makes partying with weirdos in masks way easier.

58. Grow a Novelty Moustache

Posted in style on October 13, 2009 by Allen

9325_151277685742_510730742_4041224_4177536_nEvery man wishes they had a novelty moustache, if only for a brief moment.  They are hilarious and cool.

The problem is, for a variety of reasons, not every man is allowed to wear one.  Maybe they work in a conservative accounting firm.  Maybe their girlfriend thinks it’s gross.  The point is, their upper lip is incarcerated and they look upon a man of moustached freedom with envy and admiration.

If you are a free man, you owe it to your victimized brothers to rock your moustache boldly and allow them to taste freedom vicariously through your whiskers.

Remember: you are doing your fellow man a service.  You are a hero.  Grab hold of those handlebars and hang on, it’s one hell of a good ride.

46. Do NOT Take your Shirt Off in the Nightclub

Posted in style on August 28, 2009 by Allen

shirtless

It’s hard, I know.  It’s Friday night, you’re gettin your drink on, the DJ’s droppin the filthy darkcore.  The world’s just melting away.  You’re feeling sooo good, sooo free.  You just need to cool down a tick so you slip your shirt off.

Hold up a second, Bruce Banner.

Nobody wants this.  No shoes, no shirt, no service.  Convenience store rules still apply.   What are you, a werewolf?

It comes down to this:  We don’t want you to get your sweat on us.  It’s as simple as that.

C’mon, 50 Cent, put your kevlar back on.

40. Ski in Jeans

Posted in style on August 11, 2009 by Allen

2488295083_25acfda5ecThe problem with wearing jeans in the snow is that  if they get wet, they will become soggy and heavy and cold.

There are two types of skiers in the world:  those who fall and those who cruise.  By wearing your jeans when you ski you are effectively declaring to the mountain that you are a skier who cruises.

Skiing in jeans is one of those few times when it’s also cool to have a cigarette dangling out of your mouth.

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